I was six away from getting all 38 of the Eater 38.  Moreover, two of the eateries that I had not yet patronized (Sripraphai and Le Bilboquet) were either closed or on the verge of closing.  Really, I was four away.  So I didn’t mind when, the night before the new 38 was released, I had to cancel my Chin Chin reservations.  Hell, maybe I could even pad my total when the new list came out when Eater would add places I’d already been to.

No.  It didn’t work like that.  Instead, I got chaos.

Eater decided to blow up the 38, keeping one third of the entries.  One half would be totally new to the list, and the remainder were returnees.  A breakdown follows, with ones I have been to bolded:

Stayed On The 38  (13/13)

Locanda Verde, Torrisi, Balthazar, Lure, Spotted Pig, Casa Mono, ABC Kitchen, Keens, Esca, Danji, Salumeria Rosi, Red Rooster, Roberta’s

Returned To The 38 (1/6)

Blue Ribbon (fuck yeah!), Ippudo, Marea, Frankies 457, Lucali, Vinegar Hill House

New To The 38 (4/19 )

Barbarini Alimentari, 456 Restaurant, Rubirosa, I Sodi, Takashi, Kin Shop, Momofuku Noodle Bar, Maialino, John Dory Oyster Bar, Hill Country Barbecue, Benoit, Bar Room at The Modern, Donguri, Bamonte’s, The Good Fork

Oof!  And wait till you hear how I knocked out some of the new entries.

Rubirosa

Little did I know that, when I grabbed a slice of their vodka pie after buying a vintage t-shirt next door, I would be knocking out a future member of the Eater 38.  Also, I thought the slice was kind of meh.  But hey, here we are.

I Sodi

I actually had a real meal at this one!  I went here on Valentine’s Day with GF3 (awwww).  That night we decided we’d be exclusive (awwwwwwww).  That’s right, ladyreaders, I’m highly dateable.  Anyway, Rubirosa had a nice homey rabbit pasta, but there was a bone in it.  Learning my lesson from Gramercy Tavern, I parlayed that into some free prosecco for me and GF3 (awwwww). 

 Hill Country Barbecue

I never ate here.  No, I went here to watch the 2010 BCS Championship Game with a bunch of UT fans.  I told everyone I went to Westlake High in Austin because that’s where my college roommate went.  I got pretty drunk off their Pearl beer, WHICH IS FROM TEXAS. So, I think that counts, right?

The Bar Room at the Modern

I ate at The Modern when I was a summer associate, not just the bar room.  Since the Bar Room is a low-cost alternative to actually eating at The Modern, I’m counting this as accomplished.  Besides, I actually ate at a privately catered event after a private tour of the MOMA. I drank $200 wine with partners, ate a fantastic raspberry tort dessert and experienced what being part of the 1% is like.  Being a summer is the best, you guys.

OK, so I had to get 20 notches in my belt instead of 6.  But that’s still achievable.  In fact, I was able to knock out two entries in one day.

456 Restaurant

I invited a bunch of my friends here for dim sum last Saturday.  We ate late so they were out of some of their signature dishes, including one named Fried Tiny Balls, but their remaining offerings were still excellent, especially their yellow fish fried in tofu.  Seriously, it sounds weird but it works.  Still, I need to go back for Fried Tiny Balls

Sushi of Gari

I went here with GF4.  Since she’s a vegetarian she had to watch me eat omakase while she slurped up soba noodles.  It was my first omakase and holy shit omakase is awesome.  Their black cod made me rethink my stance on black cod.  They had sesame oil that kind of tasted like peanut butter.  They had tofu cream that looked gross but tasted divine. 

Anyway, GF4 and I are no more (don’t worry, it was as mutual as humanly possible).  And now I can audition out whoever GF5 will be at Barbarini Alimentari, Takashi, Kin Shop, Momofuku Noodle, Ippudo, Maialino, John Dory, Benoit, Marea, Boulud Sud, Donguri, Bamonte’s, Frankies 457, Lucali, Franny’s, The Good Fork, Vinegar Hill House and Jackson Diner.  And whenever I go to such a place, I’ll recap it in this space.  Hopefully in more detail than “I ate a slice after buying a t-shirt.” 

Anyway, I hope that’s better than Top Chef recaps.  Because I’d rather be out on Wednesday night.  Ideally at one of those restaurants.

After my infamous Summer in Sandwiches, I needed a new eating quest.  It’s in my DNA; if you did some oddball personality test on me my “must complete lists” and “likes food” traits would be off the charts.  After a few minutes of wandering across the Internet desert, I came across the Eater 38, a list of the 38 most relevant restaurants of the moment.  One of the great parts of the list is that it’s dynamic; every 3 months it’s reassessed and 3 entries get cut and 3 new spots take their place. It’s a constant quest, and they try to keep expense account places off the list so it’s not horribly expensive.

The first version of the Eater 38 that I saw was was the July 2010 one.  And luckily I had already been to 6 entries on the list:

Gramercy Tavern

This was my first fine dining experience in New York.  I went with a friend (now my boss) and a couple he knew (now married, boy am I old as shit).  I went to school down South and knew little about New York City, even though I had grown up in Connecticut.  My grandparents lived in Queens, so my version of New York growing up was more Coming to America than Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Gramercy Tavern helped me realize just how wondrous New York could be.  And what a hassle it could be as well.  The back room was booked well in advance so we had to eat up front in the parlor.  But no matter, sneaking onto the list sideways is accepted.  The pork chop I had was amazing.  I joked with my friend that he got a portobello mushroom dish (lame) instead of a protein but he told me that in New York they can make vegetables so good that they taste like meat.

During the meal the waiter noticed that a little string was on the portobello mushroom plate.  His discourse with my friend went something like this:

“I’m so sorry we left that string on your meal”

“No, that’s OK”

“You know if you don’t like it we can comp your dessert”

“Oh man, this is terrible, is there any way you can rectify the situation?”

That peach cobbler was delicious.

Balthazar

In case you don’t know, being a law firm summer associate is the tits.  Especially if you get to be a law firm summer associate before Lehman crashed (yes, I realize I was born with a horseshoe up my patoot) and were not particularly worried about getting an offer.  One of the perks is that the firm takes you out to really nice lunches all summer, and Balthazar was the first place I went.  I was so excited that I Googled it to the hilt and bragged about going there to my sister.  A week after moving to the city I got to have lunch there, and its French brasserie fare did not disappoint.  Slowly, I was becoming a New Yorker.

Locanda Verde/Peasant

One thing you learn fast about a law firm is that the lawyers are the least cool people there.  The marketing folks are the ones who really know what’s going on.  For the rest of my summer I went to steakhouses and other expense report-friendly venues.  But when I returned to the firm they set up a dinner at the newly opened Locanda Verde, and my class had its midyear dinner party at Peasant. The two have similar vibes and cuisines, but what stands out was what happened after each event.  Locanda Verde dinner was on possibly the coldest day all year, and the restaurant is situated unfortunately close to the Hudson.  Our attempts to expense report drinks after failed due to lack of interest.  At Peasant I gorged myself on the mountains of food, and I had to leave the afterparty because I ended up throwing up in the bathroom of the bar we went to after.  Since then, I’ve learned portion control.

Momofuku Ssam

I went here with GF1 (note: in the interest of protecting the anonymity of all my girlfriends/dates, they will be listed as GF1, GF2, GF3, etc. even if we never actually had “the talk”) during my sandwich quest.  In case you missed it, Momofuku took their listed sandwich off the menu so instead I had a bowl of crispy pig ears.  It was one of my many stops on my road to Damascus, if Damascus meant “realizing every part of the pig is delicious and should be eaten.” 

Diner

GF1 and I went to Diner as a consolation prize before the list came out.  We had tried to go to Fatty Cue for the number 1 sandwich but they were closed that day (I think it was Labor Day?  GF1 and I drank a lot together so memories with her can be a blur).  Diner is as Twee and Williamsburg as Twee Williamsburg restaurants can get.  Your skinny-jeaned waiters write the menu on your table as Of Montreal plays in the background.  I had the gumbo, which was delicious, but had gumbo-esque after-effects.  So beware.

Anyway, I started tackling the list with GF1 in late summer 2010 and early autumn.

Maz Mezcal

Maz Mezcal was about two blocks from GF1’s apartment so it was a no brainer.  It was pretty standard Mexican fare, and the UES’s strong presence on this list indicates that someone who writes it lives there and doesn’t want people to think the Upper East Side is only Elaine’s and Dorrian’s (in July 2010 Elaine’s still existed). 

Little Owl

Little Owl was a couple of blocks from my old West Village apartment so it was easy for me to get a seat at the notoriously cramped restaurant.  And it was worth it.  As you know, pork is easier to work with than chicken.  There are only so many flavors and different portions of the chicken that a cook has to work with, while pork gives you many more options to create something brilliant.  But Little Owl does its chicken to perfection, and might be the best thing I ate on this list.

Right as things with GF1 were going south, Eater unleashed the October 2010 Eater 38.  I went from having 8 restaurants to…9 restaurants.  They dropped Peasant, but added Torrisi and Salumeria Rosi, two restaurants that I had gone to on my sandwich quest.  Yes, this means I have not had dinner at Torrisi, but this isn’t the top 38 restaurants to eat dinner at.  And my quest picked up where it left off:

Raoul’s

I had a closing dinner at Raoul’s, which meant I was both the youngest and poorest person there.  Still, hearing about other people’s trips to St. Bart’s and Hong Kong is pretty fantastic when they do it over some pitch-perfect steak au poivre.

Joseph Leonard

If I lived blocks from Little Owl that also means that I lived blocks from Joseph Leonard as well, so I went here with GF2 right after it reopened (it was closed for a while after a fire).  It was good, but I think Gabe Stulman’s more expensive and ambitious Fedora is more deserving of inclusion on this list.  Joseph Leonard does its best version of home-cooked food, but I’d rather see Stulman spread his wings (and claws) a few blocks away.  The fact that I have an opinion means that I’m becoming a New Yorker, right?

As I was becoming a New Yorker, and as GF2 was moving to Philadelphia, the January 2011 Eater 38 came out, and I went down from 11 to 10 with the loss of Diner.  Luckily, GF3 came into the picture and we started knocking out a ton of these

Lupa

GF3 and I had a fantastic time at Lupa.  My saltimbocca was glorious, whatever she had was fine, and Lupa’s mixed drinks got us loaded.  This list is dominated by Mario Batali, but Multo Mario is worthy of the accolades: his restaurants do not miss a step.  You just have to ignore the doofy ponytail and clogs.

Blue Ribbon Brasserie

Blue Ribbon Brasserie has no reservations and is tiny, so it’s legendarily impossible to get a table there.  Luckily, after a couple of tries GF3 and I finally got a table, where we got to sit next to none other than Billy Crudup.  The food was fantastic as well.  I’ve been back a few times, but nothing beats eating your oysters next to THE Billy Crudup.

Fette Sau

Fette Sau is another 38 member that does not take reservations, and ergo I needed multiple tries to cross it off the list.  The second time I went was part of a perfect Williamsburg day.  Went there with a few friends, went to the Momofuku Milk Store to get cookies, filled up growlers at Duane Reade and played Monopoly all afternoon.  Basically, it’s a day that goes into the How To Live In Williamsburg handbook.

Spotted Pig

Since I lived near Little Owl and Joseph Leonard, I also lived near Spotted Pig.  GF3 and I tried a couple of times to go there, especially since she worked nearby as well.  But we never got to because I couldn’t get out of work on time; whenever we got there it was an hour wait.  Then, finally, I was in a minor car crash and I missed a day of work.  I sprained my neck and got a concussion, but otherwise I was fine.  It also meant that we could go to Spotted Pig for dinner since I didn’t have to worry about getting back from work by 6 pm.  We finally got a table, and their famous burgers, but I did miss out a little.  They were giving out free prosecco to celebrate getting an A from the Department of Health, but you can’t drink on a concussion.  Luckily, GF3 was more than willing to drink my glass.

Roberta’s

My cousin is a stereotype; went to UVM, plays jazz guitar, in a band, lives in Bushwick.  When visiting him out in the shwick we’ve been to Roberta’s a few times.  It’s been packed ever since the New York Times gave it 2 stars, but we knew it as a place where you could get transcendent pizzas, good beers, and make Simpsons references all night in their outdoor patio space.

JG Melon

Drama!  I went here with GF1 to say goodbye as she was moving to Chicago, and GF3 was pissed even though I was more than willing to text her my exact whereabouts at all times.  My first misstep of many in that relationship.  Especially since JG Melon is pretty meh and doesn’t really belong on this list.

Bar Boulud

I’m not totally averse to including Upper ___ Side institutions on this list, with Bar Boulud being a prime example.  I had Sunday brunch here with my Upper West Side-dwelling friendboss.  Not only was it great, but their bathrooms are fantastic too.  Which is good because I put an epic gutbomb into the Boulud toilets.  Sorry, DB.

GF3 was really game for knocking out restaurants on this list.  So I wasn’t daunted when the April 2011 Eater 38 came out, removing Little Owl (better than Joseph Leonard!) and Maz Mezcal (not better than Cascabel!) and knocking my total from 17 to 15.

Aldea

GF3 really liked chef’s tables, so we went to the one at Aldea.  I think it’s because she got to stare at lantern-jawed George Mendes when we sat at the chef’s table here.  We went the same day he debuted on Top Chef: All-Stars too, so it was almost like a second celebrity sighting.  And we went in the middle of RAMPS! craziness so I got the skate with brown butter and RAMPS!  The skate with brown butter was so good that it didn’t need RAMPS!

Casa Mono

Another Batali restaurant that I went to with GF3.  Matt Ufford put it best when he said that “eating at Casa Mono is like eating at God’s table.”

Blaue Gans

Blaue Gans, however, is a bit of a misfire.  It’s a cool-looking place but the food is pretty meh.  I like the schnitzel truck better.  But if you dig Austrian pub grub and like cool artwork on the walls, then this place is for you.

Esca

A lot of figuring out New York is the 50/90 problem.  You need to find restaurants that are 50% the hassle and 90% of the quality of more upscale competitors.  That’s where Esca fits in: 50% the hassle and waiting at Le Bernardin, 90% the quality.  Best damn crudo I ever ate.

Mile End

A while ago a Jewish friend asked me why I don’t like delis.  “What food do you like?” “Italian, French.”  “So you want to be a boring European?” “No, but I want to eat like one.”  So, I kind of groaned upon seeing Mile End on this list, and I took an out by avoiding their most Jewish lunch dishes and settling on a Beef on Weck.  Which was a fantastic Beef on Weck.  And I got to avoid eating pastrami (I know, I’m a terrible Jew, so sue me.  Wait, don’t sue me.). 

Anyway, right as GF3 was dumping my sorry ass the July 2011 Eater 38 came out, pissing me off by dumping Blue Ribbon, one of my favorites, and knocking my number from 20 to 19.

Oriental Chinese Garden

Thankfully, bossfriend has a Taiwanese girlfriend who can help make sense of the authentic Chinatown dim sum places.  It’s worth going here, but I cannot recommend enough going with an authentic Chinese person so you know just how many chicken feet you’re ordering.  By the way, chicken feet taste OK but they’re way too bony for my taste.

Sripraphai

Do you like Thai food?  Go here.  Even if the 7 train isn’t running and you have to hitchhike.  This is the best Thai food I have ever eaten, and quite possibly the best Thai food outside of Thailand.  If you do go here, email me because I have friends who have made a guide to ordering at Sripraphai to maximize your experience. 

Cascabel Taqueria

GF4 lives on the Upper East Side so this was a no-brainer.  She’s a vegetarian but, thankfully, the veggie tacos here are supposedly delicious.  I had the lengua tacos (calf tongue) which were also delectable, but they will cause you to have awful calf tongue farts afterward that make your cab driver yell at you to roll down the window.  At least I didn’t do that on the date.

Rye

GF4 and I crossed this one off the list after we went to Brooklyn Brewery for one of their tours.  Oh wait, that was what was supposed to happen, but the fucking L Train wasn’t running that weekend.  At least we got to eat at Rye, which also supposedly has a great veggie dish (according to GF4) and some strong cocktails that will make you pass out during a football game you watch later that night.  Oh, and motherfucking Pappy.

Gennaro

Upper West Side bossfriend and I had tried going here a few times before but it was always packed.  Finally we picked a rainy shitty night where blown out umbrellas litter the streets like dead Japanese at Iwo Jima.  No wait, and some amazing Italian food that was surprisingly cheap.  Even with appetizers and booze it was only like $40 a man including tip.

La Nacional

La Nacional’s tapas might not as a whole be as good as Casa Mono’s, but their meatballs (pork and veal) are out of this world.  Better than the Meatball Shop.  Oh man, I can taste them right now /cleans drool off keyboard.

When the October 2011 Eater 38 came out I went from 25 to…26?  Yes, they took off 3 places I never went to (including Balaboosta, which is Middle Eastern so I’d never go there, one Jewish place is enough) and put on Lure, where I had my boozy going away party at my law firm.  All right!  They have some killer seafood as well, but mostly I remember all the wine.

Veselka

Notes on my iPhone from the night I went to Veselka.  “Girl bartender nice butt back tattoo.”  That shows you the state you’re in when you go to Veselka.  I think they have a good hamburger?  I don’t remember.

Danji

Went here with friendboss and the guy I’d been to Gramercy Tavern with.  Nearly 5 years later, we’re still a bunch of pricks.  Danji looks like your first apartment in New York but has a phenomenal mix of traditional and modern Korean dishes served tapas style.  Still, I lost a game of credit card roulette here, so I will refrain from giving it a wholehearted recommendation.

ABC Kitchen

Another restaurant where I had a few false starts.  My sister and I had a reservation (before ABC Kitchen won a Beard Award and made such reservations impossible) but she had to  reschedule because of a hair appointment.  Ladies and their hair, amirite?  And I had a reservation with my parents, but we had to cancel on account of Hurricane Irene lashing New York that day.  I totally know how New Orleans felt after that.

Anyway, I finally went with a few law school friends.  Much of the conversation centered around whether the food we were eating was better than sex.  I’m not saying that it was, I’m just saying that the debate existed.  Also, this was one of the few times where I saw my bill and thought “$100?  That’s pretty reasonable!”  So, I’d say it’s worth your patronage here.

Minetta Tavern

Keith McNally has had his knob slobbered on by numerous publications.  But Minetta Tavern is kind of overrated.  The bone marrow is great, the strip is worthy, but it’s $54 and not appreciably better than steaks you could get for less elsewhere.  Also, it’s a bitch getting a reservation and the desserts aren’t that great.  This would be the best restaurant in DC.  But New York?  No.

Keens

Eater keeps a steakhouse on this list as some sort of duty, I guess.  I don’t want to sound like a douche, but I’m beyond being impressed merely by a medium rare cut of meat.  Luckily this is still a good place to knock a few back with an old college friend, embarrassing the old couple next to you with your ribald tales of debauchery.  But the food is kind of meh.

Red Rooster

After a couple of misfires, I was glad to eat at a place that actually belonged on this list.  Everything is so good you think the chef is trying to win a competition.  Seriously, this is Top Chef food at its finest.  I recommend the shrimp and dirty rice, fried yard bird and the Black and White Mud.  Seriously, the Black and White Mud might be the best dessert I had on my quest.  Also, it cost about half as much as my meal at Minetta Tavern.  However, Minetta’s service was impeccable, whereas at Red Rooster we had a reservation for 10:00, we sat down at 10:15, and got our appetizers at 10:45.  If you’re not going to have space available until 10:00 p.m. you should at least serve your customers promptly once they get there.  But, the live music put me at ease, as did the poori I snacked on before I got there.

That left me with 32 of the 38, and when Eater re-released the list…chaos. Later this week, I address the fallout.

Hey guys, I was going to post another Top Chef recap but some problems arose:

1.  Busy work day

2.  I was kind of drunk when I watched it.  That’s happened the past few weeks, and it makes the recaps suffer.

3.  I’m kind of sick of doing TV recaps.  So I’m not doing Top Chef recaps any more.

WAIT DON’T GO.  That’s not the end of food writing on here.  Starting next Monday there’s going to be a huge food series on here that will be especially relevant to you New Yorkers.  It will be more original than my Top Chef recaps and hopefully funnier too.  So please stay tuned, and don’t pack your knives and go.

-Bobby

And we’re back!  Sorry I missed last week, guys; I was in the Dominican Republic.  And yes, I might strike you as a foodie, but I spent the entire time eating crummy all-inclusive resort buffet food.  If I was going to turn my brain off for a while, my palate would have to follow.  Heck, I only ate processed food to make sure I didn’t get food poisoning.  Me!  The same guy who always orders the mystery item at Asian restaurants.  I can risk throwing up all night when I have a job to ask out of the next day, but not during my precious vacation time.

Padma tells the chefonicmen that they’re going to Austin.  They erupt in cheers as they get to leave Dallas’s sweaty butthole.  J to the k Dallas, I know you got fine women and cheap beer.  But, c’mon, it’s Austin. 

Lady Manderly says it’s difficult to have a relationship because she’s so “career focused”  Yeah, that and you’re a bitch.  That’s like saying “oh, I’m single because I’m too career driven and flesh eating bacteria ate away my face”

The cheferines call White Luther Vandross “Malibu.”  I hereby offer my services to them as a nickname consultant.  $100,000 per year plus a point of equity.  Also, Bourdain Handy says he used to be a weed dealer.  I HEAR that a lot of weed dealers in New York are Asian so he would fit in IF THAT WERE TRUE I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT IS.

Padma says next quickfire deals with technology because we’re in Austin and everyone in Austin either works in tech or has a band.  It’s a Twitter challenge.  Apparently, you could have tweeted quickfire requests while they were filming.  I totally would have tweeted peanut butter over and over again because peanuts go with everything and I do not trust chefs who can’t use them.  Don’t give me that allergy shit, either.  PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.

The first requests is that the chefangels use bacon.  Then 15 minutes later they’re told that they have to use hash (should be easy for Boudrain Handy!).  Then they each get to assign a rival an ingredient that they have to use.  Cassie Powers and Tiger Son get stuck with sriracha and get mad.  Why?  Sriracha is the peanut of the sauce world  Goes with everything.  I have sriracha toothpaste.  Fine, fine, I brush my teeth with sriracha, don’t judge me.

Bourdain Handy wins the quickfire because he did bacon 2 ways and there’s no wrong way to do bacon.  Teflon Tom tells the crew that drinks at the hotel bar are on them.  BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS WANT ANOTHER HOOKUP.  Actually no, they’re there to meet Patti Labelle, who has her 70s bob going and still looking ultra-fine.  I’d do to her what Andy Reid has done to her beloved Eagles.  She sings that mocha latta yaya song that Christina Aguilera whored up 100 pounds ago.  Still, considering she’s from Philly, you wonder why they didn’t get George Strait instead.

The challenge is to cook like the person who taught you.  The person who talk me to cook was the Hot Pockets package, so I’m not sure how I’d handle this.  Something that would be cooked inside a reflective patch I guess.  However, Krypton’s inspiration was his Japanese nanny.  So maybe I could have used my Jamaican nanny growing up as an inspiration.  That would involve me screaming “‘Top Ya Noise” at the other chefernauts and making them eat broccoli.

Periscope does a miniature steak and potatoes.  Maybe he’s getting Padma’s good side for not forcing her to gain as much weight this season.  Emeril says Lady Manderly put together hotel food, which gives me horrible flashback to the sandpaper porkchops I was eating this past weekend.  White Luther Vandross overcooks his salmon and I wouldn’t mind him losing because he’d be the second chef to lose on salmon, so maybe nobody else will cook it ever again.  Not just on Top Chef, but anywhere.  Seriously, salmon ruined me on seafood till I discovered shrimp (I grew up in a kosher household, don’t judge me!)

Emeril needs better hairplugs.  Seriously, he looks like Clarence Thomas-era Joe Biden

The bottom three get sent in first: Lady Manderly, Fieldston and White Luther Vandross.  All the other chefessors are like “Send in the bottom three first? That’s KWAZY!!!” Lady Manderly complains she got dinged for using the pressure cooker (of course she blames Teflon Tom with her tone) and Tom is all like “Sabotage did it just fine.”  If you come at the king, you best not miss.

Sarah wins over Sabotage and Tiger Son, and she starts crying because she’s manic depressive.  So I’m calling her Lithium. One thing is for sure; this season has seen Asian chefs bring it hard.  Maybe they can be like Huynh some day and open scene-y, overrated restaurants in the Meatpacking District.  YOU’VE RUINED THE AREA, BRING BACK THE MANHOLE!

Well, it looks like we won’t have Lady Manderly to kick around any more.  Teflon Tom says she went home for overcooking the steak.  The camera cuts away real quickly so I assume he said “and for being a freak bitch.” 

Up next, barbecue!  It’s hot!  Lithium has to go to the hospital because it’s hot (haha no it’s a panic attack brought on because she’s off her meds).

mbyhoff:

I am a dick. And you know what? I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

This is the correct response to jerks like Myers.

(via underscoredmatthews)

12/13/11 will henceforth be known as Craig James Liberation Day.  ESPN’s most odious talking head will have to resign his position in order to run for the Senate from Texas.  However, I have some bad news for everyone expecting this to take him off the air for good:

He has no fucking chance of winning.

If this were a Republican vs. Democrat race then yeah, he’d be the favorite because he’d be running in Texas.  But he has to make it out of a Republican primary.  And not just any Republican primary, but one scheduled to take place only four months from now.  That gives James only four months to build enough of a campaign infrastructure to compete against rivals that include:

• The mayor of Dallas, who has significant backing from the business community
• The lieutenant governor (a very powerful official in Texas relative to LGs elsewhere) who has significant backing from the state party establishment
• The state solicitor general, who has strong Tea Party backing

These men have been campaigning for the Senate for the better part of the year.  And, unlike the current Republican presidential candidates, nobody thinks the field is weak and the base seems genuinely excited about the choices that they have.  Polls still show plenty of undecided voters, but that’s typical for a Senate primary.  It doesn’t mitigate the fact that James lags far behind his rivals at this point in terms of building name recognition, building his campaign apparatus, securing institutional support and fundraising.

So where does that leave Craig James?  He can grab whatever consultants haven’t already signed on with one of the three major candidates.  Consultants don’t care if you’re going to lose as long as you pay their bills, and James has been overpaid by ESPN long enough to be able to self-fund at least at the outset.  And the one major constituency that isn’t solidly behind one of these candidates is the religious conservatives, so James could make a Huckabee-esque play for their votes, even though I’m not sure he has the religious bona fides to go after them (Huckabee, of course, was a minister). In a divided race like this, you might only need 30% of the vote to win in a primary.  But I don’t see a path for Craig James to get 30% of the primary vote, unless his rivals implode.

I see two potential reasons for Craig James’s decision to run now:

• This is a vanity run, pure and simple.  After years of having smoke blown up his ass by ESPN and college football hangers on, James has no idea what it takes to actually win a political race.  He ends up placing in fourth (or maybe worse, behind another gadfly candidate) and skulks back to ESPN with his tail between his legs.  Which leads one to wonder if ESPN would ever rehire him.  He would bring an unbelievable amount of baggage and I cannot recall them  hiring any other failed candidates for public office as on-air personalities.  James doesn’t have the depth of support that other hated ESPN personalities (Berman) do in Bristol so a return to the air is not a given.  But if they won’t fire him after smearing Mike Leach, what’s to stop them from hiring once he’s injected himself into the political arena?
• This is a cunning move by James to put his name out there for a potential future run for the House of Representatives.  He lives in Celina, TX.  The two congressmen representing the area around Celina are a combined 169 years old (Sam Johnson is 81, Ralph Hall is 88).  One or both could retire in 2014.  James could use this Senate run to build up name recognition for a run to replace one of them, and they both represent seats more Republican than the state as a whole.

In other words, don’t expect to see Senator Craig James anytime soon.  But that doesn’t mean that he’s a cinch to return to the airwaves.  Count it as a net win for America.

And we’re back!  One thing I misjudged was just how douchey (douché?) the hosts were in the last episode.  I think being around the 1% a lot has skewed my ability to hate them for being jerks.  Anyway, we start out this episode with 1st grade-esque gender-based taunting, as there are only 5 men left.  However, Periscope is one of them so it’s really 4 and a half. 

The chefs keep bragging about being “classically trained,” but isn’t that like a baseball player saying he played Little League?  Bourdain Handy goes into his “I’m from Texas, I should win this challenge” schtick, which is about as played out as nyan cat right now.  And it’s not like this is football, where you have tens of thousands of people cheering for you.  There’s no home field advantage here.

We start with a saucier quickfire challenge.  They draw knives with one Escoffier’s five main sauces on them and the chefbots have to make dishes based on one of the 5.  But they have to put a new spin on them because this is Top Chef not Guy Fieri, lest you forgot.  The chefiees call them “mother sauces,”  which is funny, because I made “mother sauce” with your mom last night.  BOOSH.

Heather complains about Sabotage cooking Asian.  Well, you don’t hear her complaining about you eating the last piece of KFC so why don’t you shut up?  I don’t like making fat jokes, but Heather’s so miserable that I have no problem poking fun at her.  And after that poking, she probably goes “hoo hoo” like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Fieldston, White Luther Vandross and Bourdain Handy do best in the challenge, and Fieldston wins!  The guest judge gives her a really awkward “woo!”  Like, he has the same expression as your dad when he tries to high five you.  That awkward.  Nyesha, Sabotage and Harvard Westlake are on the bottom, even though Nyesha bragged about her sauciertestant skills during the challenge.

The elimination challenge is a 4 course steak dinner for 200 people.  And steak has to be incorporated into two courses because this is for a bunch of cattlemen on a ranch like on Dallas, except I’m guessing these chefs do more cocaine than the cast of Dallas.  Anyway, Heather asks mentions looking up Dallas on a “Google machine.”  That’s it, I’m calling her Lady Manderly.  That’s a Game of Thrones inside joke for you guys.  Read those books already! 

Lady Manderly is taking the same cake recipe as she cooked at the Mexican Bat Mitzvah and using it in this round.  As they head to Whole Foods, Nyesha notes THE TOYOTA VENZA HAS A LOT OF SPACE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?  Too bad nobody who watches Bravo would be caught dead in a minivan.  Bravo is TV for people who don’t have families to worry about. 

While the chefelians are at Whole Foods, someone breaks a wine bottle in the store but nobody takes credit for it.  Geez, way to screw over Whole Foods.  I have no idea how Whole Foods will maket hat money back.  It’s not like Top Chef ever serves as an advertising platform for Whole Foods.

Anyway, as they finish prep before the night, Krypton gets a little cutty wutty and gets tended to by the medical staff.  They say he needs stitches so he walks to the emergency room.  For anyone who saw the previews, this is a tremendous letdown.  We thought there’d be a geyser of blood, goddammit!

Kathy Griffin has an all new comedy special.  Gee, I wonder how she’ll talk about being a slut and suck up to the gay mafia this time.  Also, Larry the Cable Guy and John Madden advertising during Top Chef?  Why don’t they have Tim Gunn and RuPaul advertise during NASCAR?

Krypton was up till 6 am at the hospital, but whatever chefs are always on crank anyway.  They enter the ranch as the show plays a public domain version of the Dallas theme.  Lady Manderly finished baking last night so she’s in charge of the front of the house.  She’s also picking on Sabotage, and Harvard Westlake says Lady Manderly is being a bully.  She also brags to Teflon Tom about her experience to curry favor with him.  I kind of like that someone’s finally taking a heel turn this season.

The Cattle Baron’s ball contains rich tacky people.  I mean, we’re talking Disco Stu-amounts of rhinestones in this crowd.  It’s a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society, though considering these are steak makers the American Heart Association might be a better choice. 

Anyway, the gazpacho at least has shrimp so it’s better than Lisa Simpson’s vegetarian version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdMDWsvuS9s).  Teflon Tom objects to its safeness, so it looks like it’ll be in the middle unless something’s really fucked up or everyone knocks it out of the park.

Anyway, they serve sirloin carpaccio for second course.  And it has mushroom bacon, but other than that it’s unremarkable.  Meanwhile, Cassie Powers is worried they aren’t getting the third course out fast enough, and it turns out to be a mess as the steaks are cooked unevenly and the gratin is raw.  Both Krypton and Whitney seem like they could be toast. 

Everyone loves the dessert.  The most rhinestoned person says it’s good so I guess they’ll win.  Meanwhile, Lady Manderly bitches out Sabotage in front of everyone. 

Lady Manderly, Periscope and Nyesha go to the top.  Of course, Nyesha used bone marrow so you know she’s gonna do well.  Bone marrow makes everything taste better.  I’d eat cardboard if it were slathered in bone marrow.  Also, Periscope perfectly cooked the sirloin and Lady Manderly’s dessert wasn’t overly sweet and light.  Lady Manderly wins, proving that being a bitch pays off.  She gets a new car even though she really needs a Rascal.

Predictably, Krypton and Whitney go to the bottom, joined by Tiger Son.  Chef Flacco is Whitney’s mentor, but a protege is never safe.  I mean, we all saw that episode of Seinfeld.  She might start dating Bania.  Even though the firing was haphazard, Krypton takes responsibility for his dish.  Whitney’s gratin was raw.  And Tiger Son’s salad was undercooked.  You don’t win friends with salad. 

Also, did you know that Krypton’s father has had TEN heart attacks, his mother is dying of silicon breast poisoning and he’s been in Butt magazine?  http://gothamist.com/2011/09/22/a_gay_model_named_ty-lor_boring_wan.php.  I want to share that before he gets eliminated.

Anyway, Teflon Tom says the eliminated chef made it easy on him to choose.  And it’s Whitney.  She wasted her prep time and ended up getting screwed, even though Krypton wasted steak.  She seems to have a good attitude on her way out. 

Up Next: Double Elimination!  Maybe that Last Chance Kitchen Crap finally comes into play.  And it looks like Lady Manderly continues to bitch people out.  Now I gotta sober up.

likeit asked: Please, please, please tell me where to get decent panelle in this fucking city, for chrissakes.

I don’t know, but now the Internet knows you’re a total panelle snob, so mission accomplished!

mbyhoff asked: Best restaurant in the LES that one wouldn't expect. And if you say Frankie's 17 I'm unfollowing you.

San Marzano Pizza.  I’m a lactard who loves pizza, so I’m usually blown away by the slices with the best sauce.  And these guys have the best sauce in the city.  Amazing that they don’t make more “best of” lists.

dangerguerrero asked: "Oh! I'm doin this thing. Loogit me do this thing. WHAT?! It's across the bridge? No way. NO. WAY. That thing is the worst. Trust me, I know a guy. He owns this little place on 12th Street. Best pizza in town. NO, I'm SERIOUS. Best pizza in town." - My impression of everyone from New York

“I ACT SO HARD EVEN THOUGH MY DAD IS A BANKER WHO LIVES IN PAOLI” -My impression of everyone who says he’s from Philadelphia