February 2012
2 posts
Nobody sign up for those free Southwest tickets
It’s a scam for a ton of text message spam. Screw you, Tumblr.
City High School
[It’s a typical day at City High School, as the cool girls sit at the same table in the student lounge]
Los Angeles: Hey, did you guys watch The Bachelor last night?
New Orleans: No I was busy drinking schnapps at the abandoned quarry.
Miami: That’s gross, if you’re not careful you’ll end up in juvy like Philadelphia
New York: Oh, like we didn’t all see that...
January 2012
5 posts
My Quest for the Eater 38: Benoit
I’m torn on whether Benoit, the New York bistro outpost of the Ducasse empire, belongs on the Eater 38. On one hand, the food is not head and shoulders above the French bistro fare you can get elsewhere. It’s still pretty good; the cassoulet is fatty and earthy and soaked with gravy and the hangar steak is succulent (but its steak frites are pretty average). The rillettes and pied de...
My Quest For The Eater 38 Part 2: Eater Drops The...
I was six away from getting all 38 of the Eater 38. Moreover, two of the eateries that I had not yet patronized (Sripraphai and Le Bilboquet) were either closed or on the verge of closing. Really, I was four away. So I didn’t mind when, the night before the new 38 was released, I had to cancel my Chin Chin reservations. Hell, maybe I could even pad my total when the new list came out...
My quest for the Eater 38
After my infamous Summer in Sandwiches, I needed a new eating quest. It’s in my DNA; if you did some oddball personality test on me my “must complete lists” and “likes food” traits would be off the charts. After a few minutes of wandering across the Internet desert, I came across the Eater 38, a list of the 38 most relevant restaurants of the moment. One of the...
From Management
Hey guys, I was going to post another Top Chef recap but some problems arose:
1. Busy work day
2. I was kind of drunk when I watched it. That’s happened the past few weeks, and it makes the recaps suffer.
3. I’m kind of sick of doing TV recaps. So I’m not doing Top Chef recaps any more.
WAIT DON’T GO. That’s not the end of food writing on here. Starting...
December 2011
21 posts
Top Chef: Lady Artisinal Marmalade
And we’re back! Sorry I missed last week, guys; I was in the Dominican Republic. And yes, I might strike you as a foodie, but I spent the entire time eating crummy all-inclusive resort buffet food. If I was going to turn my brain off for a while, my palate would have to follow. Heck, I only ate processed food to make sure I didn’t get food poisoning. Me! The same guy who always...
A Sporty, Political Person's Take on Craig James
12/13/11 will henceforth be known as Craig James Liberation Day. ESPN’s most odious talking head will have to resign his position in order to run for the Senate from Texas. However, I have some bad news for everyone expecting this to take him off the air for good:
He has no fucking chance of winning.
If this were a Republican vs. Democrat race then yeah, he’d be the favorite...
Top Chef Recap: You Don't Win Friends With Salad
And we’re back! One thing I misjudged was just how douchey (douché?) the hosts were in the last episode. I think being around the 1% a lot has skewed my ability to hate them for being jerks. Anyway, we start out this episode with 1st grade-esque gender-based taunting, as there are only 5 men left. However, Periscope is one of them so it’s really 4 and a half.
The chefs keep...
likeit asked: Please, please, please tell me where to get decent panelle in this fucking city, for chrissakes.
mbyhoff asked: Best restaurant in the LES that one wouldn't expect. And if you say Frankie's 17 I'm unfollowing you.
dangerguerrero asked: "Oh! I'm doin this thing. Loogit me do this thing. WHAT?! It's across the bridge? No way. NO. WAY. That thing is the worst. Trust me, I know a guy. He owns this little place on 12th Street. Best pizza in town. NO, I'm SERIOUS. Best pizza in town." - My impression of everyone from New York
Anonymous asked: If you had to choose, New York or New Orleans?
lizlemon asked: I'll play! Best meal? And most overrated meal?
Anonymous asked: Say you're a recent college grad looking to do a 3 day weekend in New York without taking out another student loan, what would your recommend doing and eating? Additionally where would you recommend staying?
sweatshorts asked: Best bar to pick up ladies?
tdpj asked: Best late night/drunk food in the city?
brevetcaptain asked: What's the deal with all the Duane Reade stores? Do New Yorkers really need so many places to get Rxes?
brian-k asked: Why are New Yorkers experts on everything?
Anonymous asked: Moving to the Upper East Side in January. How long until I see both Statler and Waldorf
Anonymous asked: Best place to live in queens?
artiefufkin asked: How do I blend in with the New Yorkers? I hate embarrassing my brother with my touristy ways.
ericangevine asked: What's that smell?
Ask Me Anything...About New York City →
Since so many of you love to come visit us for the holidays (even though we’re still in shorts weather 3 weeks before Christmas, no snow for you, out of towners!) I thought I’d do a special New York-themed Ask Me Anything, where I answer all your Gotham queries. And….go!
Top Chef Recap: Most Progressive Dallas
And we’re back! I had a whole post written about the chili cookoff last week but nobody reads Tumblr on Thanksgiving. So you’ll have to trust me, it contained much mirth. And glee that White Lafayette got the axe because, seriously, fuck him and his stupid hair and his bromance (seriously, that word was invented to describe how he acted) with Periscope.
Padma tells the chefists,...
November 2011
12 posts
realismus asked: your recaps for top chef always have me rolling on the floor laughing. PLEASE PLEASE do recaps for Work of Art. Work of art is possibly the most ridiculous show on TV and I need someone to make fun of it. There are just too many unseen opportunities. It has Sarah Jessica Parker, pretentious artists, and terrible artwork- it's already setting its self up for a joke.
Top Chef Recap: Mexican Bat Mitzvah
And we’re back. With bad news; they’ve done away with chefs posing during the opening credits. Sure, it made the cheftarians look like a bunch of idiots, but I had so much fun making fun of it! The only explanation: they knew I was mocking them. Chris J. wears sunglasses on his head and regular glasses where his glasses belong. We get it dude, you don’t have a normal office job. You don’t...
Real Excited to Recap Top Chef Tonight, You Guys
Need to make sure I have a big dinner beforehand so I don’t get hungry during the show.
tdpj asked: If Virginia makes the music city bowl are you going to make the trip to Nashville?
fosters-slant asked: What's the going rate for having a prostitute hold you well you cry? Asking for a friend by the way.
fullcredit asked: What are the odds of the following: (1) that UVA wins the ACC championship (2) that Tiger Son mortally wounds someone on Top Chef (3) that the NBA doesn't completely implode
sweatshorts asked: How does your new job compare to your firm?
Ask Me Anything →
Twitter’s down and my boss is in LA this week so I don’t have much to do right now.
A Top Tweeter List That Doesn't Suck
Some douchebags did a “top 100 sports tweeters” list that you knew sucked because it had Darren Rovell and Ashton Kutcher on it. Since I hate strat and love people who are actually funny, here are my top 25 Tweeters, with an example of his or her (there’s a girl on here!) brilliance. Oh, and I’m putting myself number 1, because it’s my list and fuck you.
1. Bobby...
1 tag
Top Chef Recap: Bacon > Tebow
And we’re back. Thanks for responding so well to my last Top Chef recap, really makes me want to keep this going even though I had a few drinks after work last night. Anyway, did you notice the opening credits are just a Texas montage for the first two episodes? We need to get chefs posing again because, c’mon, Jeff winking was just too funny. We start with Charo, Fieldston, Lesbian Fauxhawk 1...
Anonymous asked: Palestinian statehood: your thoughts
Top Chef Recap: My Recaps Are Longer in Texas
Hey guys, I know it’s been a while since I rapped at you, but I come bearing good news. I’m bringing back the Top Chef recaps. I can’t promise I’ll be able to do it every week, but I’ll try. This season it’s in Texas, where I hear everything chef-related is bigger, from the wisks to the cocaine problems. They bring all the cooktestants to the Alamo, which is clearly the most Texas thing you...
October 2011
1 post
1 tag
September 2011
3 posts
My Jokes for the Charlie Sheen Roast
Hey guys, not sure if I told you this, but I used to do stand-up. Ultimately, I didn’t think much of it as a career path, but there was a point where I would’ve killed to be on the dais at a Comedy Central Roast. Whenever I see a roast I make up my own jokes, but this is the first time I ever actually wrote them down. Anyway, here’s what I could whip up in a few hours. Oh,...
August 2011
16 posts
6 tags
1 tag
“I stopped looking for a Dream Girl, I just wanted one that wasn’t a nightmare.”
– Charles Bukowski (The Captain is Out to Lunch and the Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship)
My favorite quote of his is “Hey baby, when I write I’m the hero of my own shit”
Jocksniffing
One of the most amazing things about the Nevin Shapiro saga was how the booster wanted to be the players’ friend. Normally you think of shady boosters as fat old white guys who just want the team to win. But Shapiro was a different animal, a Napoleon complex Jew who would rather hang out with the players than see them do well. This explains why Miami wasn’t that good when he was...
Anonymous asked: How Jewish were you raised? Relig? Conservative? Reform?
Anonymous asked: Worked sucked today, you guys. Seriously sick of this. How do you feel after quitting your job? Any new business ventures that you're thinking about?
Anonymous asked: what's the funniest name or word you've ever heard?