Bobby Big Wheel

The answer is 1.  I won my fantasy baseball league in 2004.  I pulled off one of the greatest trades in history: Carl Crawford (still raw), Lew Ford (never good) and Eddie Guardado (blew out his arm a week later) for 2004 Vlad Guerrero.  I also spent about an hour a day on that single team.  It’s no coincidence I only met my then-girlfriend once the playoffs started.

So, more than one and your life will be consumed.  Tell your friend that if he has more than one team it’ll seriously cramp his social life.

No, but Jessica Rabbit?  I’d violate state law to be with her.

1.  Yes

2.  We have really good cookies.  I ate like five of them over the last four hours.

Joe Lieberman, because I’d endure two weeks with him to have him turn into a tennis ball.  Hell, I’d endure two years with him if it led to that.

Nah, “steamed hams” is really more of a Utica expression.

And it’s kind of sad that place is 30 minutes outside Hartford.  That’s why I’ve never been there; that’s too long to drive for a burger.  In case you’re wondering why I moved to New York, I’m pretty sure they could set a whole episode on my street right now, where on the Hartford show they have to go halfway to New Haven.

Depends on what you want:

Picking up younger women:  B Bar.  I’d go with B Bar in the summer, and Fontana’s in the winter because much of B Bar is outside.  Keep in mind, if you tell any woman that you like B Bar, and she’s over 22, she will hate you.

Picking up women your age: Fiddlesticks. Lots of girls there, it’s close to my place, and there’s a pretty good vibe.  A friend of a friend saw Quentin Tarantino there once, to boot.

Drinking really good beer: Blind Tiger Ale House.  Near my place, pretty decent prices, fantastic selection.  90 percent dudes though.

To watch sports: The Riviera Sports Bar & Grill.  Ufford turned me on to this place, it’s also near me (I live in the West Village, in case you haven’t figured that out yet) and has an attentive staff and lots of TVs.  It’s also a Boston hangout, but those people haven’t had much to gloat about since I moved back to the city.  I got to see them react to the Welker injury, which was great.

OK, this is great so I can get into a really long spiel about my Deadspin existence.

For those of you who know me from Deadspin, I’m not one of the OG types who have been there since you needed a blog to comment.  I started reading it in late 2006.  I found it when I was looking for video of Allen Ray getting his eye poked out (when I told Will this later on he said “Oh, I remember that.  AHHHHHH!”).

I didn’t even start reading comments until 2007, and I think I wanted to become a commenter (back when becoming a commenter was pretty damn hard) later on in 2007.  I was approved as a commenter in March 2008.  My first approved comment got a +1, the post was on a picture of Stu Scott singing karaoke and I wrote “who wants to bet he’s singing Silversun Pickups?”

Now, here is the key part.  After I had dipped my toe in, I tried to make a joke in almost every thread I saw, starting that May.  Looking back, some of those jokes were God-awful.  But you need to try and fail to get a feel for what’s funny, what people like, what’s not working, etc.  I might not have been the best commenter, but I was one of the most prolific.  And along the way, I started a tumblr and made some e-friends (hi guys!).

Heading into 2009 I still didn’t have a star, but I never asked for one.  A few times people PM’ed me that I should, and either Karlifornia or Mark Kelso’s Migraine said as much in a thread, but I never e-mailed anyone asking for a star or agitated for one in a thread.  I just kept trying to be prolific and funny.

Then, the purge came.  It was disappointing, because a lot of people I liked left the site in a huff even though, in retrospect, a lot of those changes were necessary.  Not long after the purge, I e-mailed a comment ninja about something, I forget what exactly, and he e-mailed me back saying he appreciated my contributions to the site.   Around the same time, I took the underscores out of my handle.  And I woke up one morning with a star.

Since I got the star I’ve been more careful, trying to pick my pitches instead of swinging at everything.  The star even survived a disemvoweling.  But I’ve been a lot less prolific than I used to be, for a variety of reasons, among them the fact that I like my job and want to keep it, even if that means not refreshing Deadspin every 5 minutes.

So, to answer your question, just remember Rule 1.  Be funny.  Try really hard, don’t worry about failing, be patient, and you’ll get a star.  Keep in mind, it took me over a year to get mine.  And for those who say that a star isn’t important, you’re probably right.  But I’ve parlayed my Deadspin commenting into my own football column on a fairly respected site (with a few intermediate steps).

And let’s face it, anyone who comments on Deadspin likes to think he’s funny (except Supermike, I think).  In real life, it’s hard to get proof that you’re funny.  So, getting a star is a noteworthy goal.  I’m not a Buddhist, I can’t eliminate desire from my life, and I still like that validation.  If that makes me weak or petty, sobeit.

This made my day. For the rest of you, thanks for your queries but tumblr is quite incompatible with my iPhone. Will get to those after my call at, sigh, 6ish.

That’s why I wear shorts once it’s 50 degrees out.  You’re not a real Yankee if you don’t.

Twenty years ago, I probably would have.  But now that fantasy football gives you a stake in each game, I don’t see the need for it.

Of note, I joined the Jamboroo picks pool this year and had a fantastic record against the spread, picking 139 correctly (the high was 156).  Naturally, if I started gambling actual money, I’d start losing.  That’s how gambling works.