I like this smug Fox News column on waiting until you're married to have sex

Now listen, everyone here can admit that the guy who wrote this is a smug, judgy prick. But I like how he’s ideologically consistent. Republicans support a pro-life, pro-abstinence education agenda, yet most of the Republicans my age that I know at least try to get laid. Many are successful. And even though the Republican platform is decidedly against anyone who wants to have non-procreative sex, having Republican friends who like to screw muddles up that message a bit.

So kudos to smug Fox News guy for not beating around the bush. Let’s all be clear: Republicans don’t want you to have sex until you get married. Remember that on Election Day.

Posted on September 20, 2012 with 16 notes

My All-GIF College Football Preview Is The Only Thing You Need To See On The Internet Today

Go there now.

Posted on August 30, 2012 with 5 notes

Why I’m Not Watching the Giants-Cowboys Game

I’m not watching the Giants-Cowboys game next week. Well, I’m going to try to catch the start and the end, but my friend scheduled a going away dinner for that night and I’m going to be there starting at 8:45. There’s a bar across the street from the restaurant where I can catch the game, but the restaurant itself doesn’t have any TVs and, if memory serves, crummy cell reception. So I’ll focus on spending my last few moments with this friend before he moves to LA.

—-

I’d never really had a friend go to the hospital with a life threatening condition until a few weeks ago. I heard about my grandparents’ deaths or imminent deaths over the phone, so I know that used to be the m.o. But now you hear about people going to the hospital over IM. When a friend IM’ed me “did you hear about N?” I assume he meant that he was getting engaged. No, he was in the hospital in critical condition.

I won’t pretend that N is my best friend or that I was his, but he is probably in that second tier of friends who you know well, have some in-jokes with and are invited to the bachelor party even if you’re not a groomsman. So I freaked out. It was a Monday at work and I had a big project due. I ran into my boss’s office and told him that I couldn’t think straight right now and had to go home after about 30 minutes. The boss told me to go.

The next several hours were spent on WebMD and spreading word to that third-tier of friends with whom I was closest. N and I were the same year in college and had lived in the same house together, but I was closer with the younger guys in the fraternity so I spent my time emailing and gchatting them to make sure they knew. N is in the hospital. It’s not good.

—-

Guy friends cycle in and out of your life. I spend a lot of time with my coworkers now, but who knows if we’ll still be doing the same in 5 or 10 years? But I have noticed that of all the friends I’ve made; high school, college, law school, work; the ones who’ve stuck have been sports fans. We always had that. Especially the football fans. They’re always guys I can go to the bar with, catch a game, and let the action take over for lulls in the conversation.

Making guy friends isn’t like picking up chicks in bars. ”Oh, that’s Bobby, met him at The Riv. Solid dude, loves the Giants and UVA. Probably an 8 out of 10.” But I do know a few guys that I met sideways through friends of friends who I’ve hung out with because they’re football fans too and, hey, I always am down to watch the game and grab some drinks.

—-

That first week, N stabilized. He’s young (a month younger than me) and in good shape so that helps. The process makes you realize just how helpless and worthless you can be sometimes. It’s the doctors’ show now. It’s not like visiting would help. His parents and girlfriend are already overwhelmed. They’re grateful for your support, but they don’t want to hear from you. He’s helpless, you’re helpless, and it’s not in your hands right now.

N is a big Eagles fan. Friendship can easily survive cheering for rival teams; I have more in common with a big Eagles fan than I do with someone who hates sports altogether. It’s like how a really religious Jew has more in common with a really religious Christian than they do with me, an agnostic who hasn’t set foot in a synagogue on his own volition in more than 5 years.

I wonder if the Eagles doing well will help his recovery. We know that it won’t be easy, and if the Eagles do well it might give him a boost. I’ve never had to come back from a hemorrhage, so I don’t know if it really can boost your spirits and help your recovery. All I know is that I’m N’s friend and a Giants fan. If we were watching those games together he’d expect me to make fun of their lack of Super Bowls and I’d expect him to bring up DeSean Jackson. I do nothing but wish him the best every day. But I don’t think he’d ever expect me to wish the Eagles the best. So screw it, fuck the Eagles.

—-

N is doing better now. For weeks it’s been “he’s made progress, but he’s not out of the woods.” It’s still scary to see someone as vigorous as he was (sometimes a little too vigorous for his own damn good) be forced to recuperate from this. But we’re all hopeful for his recovery.

The last time I saw N we were at an airport, headed back from a wedding. Him to Washington, me to New York, our flights a few hours apart. We sat around drinking watery beers, talking about how far we’d come from college, how we were both successful guys, how things were going well for us. Little did I know that he had a weak group of blood vessels in his brain that would burst two months later. Now I don’t know the next time I’ll get to see him, or what he’ll be like when I do.

So I’m missing the Giants game to say goodbye to another friend as he moves to LA. I’ll try to make it out there at some point, but his wife is pregnant and he’ll be busy with their new son (knock wood, of course) for a while. But I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t be sure of anything. Best to cherish the friends you hold dear now.

—-

It’s football season! I’m going to miss a lot of games though. Weddings, bachelor parties, trips abroad and other stuff take their toll. Most are to be with friends, some who I haven’t seen in a while. One weekend I’m seeing my sisters; I’m one of those lucky people whose siblings will be the last two people in his corner when he hits rock bottom. And I’ll miss a Giants game on account of my parents; I’m not big on religion but the Fifth Commandment does hold a lot of sway with me.

Football season is to be enjoyed with friends, not at the expense of them. So this season, remember that missing the games isn’t the worst thing in the world. And always try to catch them with someone you like. Oh, and Eagles suck.

Posted on August 28, 2012 with 16 notes

You Are Wrong: A Message To My Republican Followers

I didn’t go on Twitter to pick political fights. I’ve always been an opinionated guy, but I mostly wanted to make sports jokes. But the past four years have changed, and I’ve seen just how depraved the Republican Party is. And no man embodies this depravity better than Mitt Romney. The more I find out about him, the more I think he’d be the worst president since Nixon. So I’ve become increasingly prone to lashing out at Romney-supporting idiots.

One of those Romney-supporting idiots (actually not a Romney supporter but a nice libertarian who doesn’t sound like he’s going to vote for anyone) actually e-mailed me and I much preferred talking to him over e-mail than on Twitter. Also, the vast majority of my followers don’t want to see me get into spats with jackasses in my timeline. They want the football jokes.

So I’d like to announce my retirement from political arguing on Twitter. It’s not what that medium is meant for. If you are a Republican who takes exception to what I said, please e-mail me at robertbigwheel at gmail dawt com and I will show you how wrong you are there. In fact, the next time one of you is like “Actually there are 200 million uninsured people read drudge report” or some bullshit thing like that I’ll probably tweet you a link to this post.

By the way, you are wrong. I am right.

Posted on August 18, 2012 with 15 notes

In Defense of Slacktivism

Well, the backlash to the backlash is on. All us good-minded liberals and our Chick-Fil-A boycotts are being impugned by fellow travelers because there’s no way you can avoid every company that disagrees with your beliefs. And they’re right. My iPhone was built by Chinese slaves, my Rite-Aid probably gave a ton of money to Republican causes and my shoes? Don’t get me started on those shoes.

Today I passed a Fox News talking head filming something on the street and did nothing to disrupt the shoot, even though I think Roger Ailes has probably done more harm to America than any American other than possibly Karl Rove. Why? I was too damn busy. I had a project I had to turn in at 3. I’m writing this now but I’ll probably get comments on that project soon and be working on it all night. I work a lot. That might be surprising considering my prodigious Twitter output, but those are usually brainfarts that spill out every 20 seconds. Most of my days and nights are spent working and my weekends are spent enjoying the fact that I am not working. My pieces that run at SBNation are usually written between the hours of 9 pm and 1 am, and when I go into work the next day I’m usually pretty fried. Actually doing something other than my day job is pretty damn difficult.

So indulge me and the rest of the slacktivists when we do something like boycott a company that isn’t only homophobic, but doubles down on its homophobia. This is 21st Century America. I don’t get a 9-to-5. I don’t get a pension plan. My 401(k) is a joke. I’m going to have to work my ass off my entire life if I don’t want to end up a broke Wal-Mart greeter. So let me boycott some chicken-slinging assholes, even though it requires no thought and no energy. Because it’s the least I can do.

Posted on August 1, 2012 with 16 notes

Guide to Ragging on the UK

Hey guys, this is the definitive guide to things I will be making fun of the UK for during the Olympics. Please familiarize yourself with these topics so you get these jokes.

Losing the Revolution

Getting bailed out by us in WWI and WWII

The royal family is inbred

Shitty food

Seriously, what’s Gordon Ramsey’s deal?

Losing their empire

Russell Brand

Their soccer team always shits the bed

Lane Pryce

The Profumo Affair

Princess Margaret banged a ton of dudes

They still have a monarchy

Margaret Thatcher ruined Wales

Mick Jagger’s solo albums

Mr. Bean

Driving on the wrong side of the road

Subpar dental care

Things that are British and awesome that I will not be making fun of

Joe Strummer

Monty Python

Michael Caine

That is all

Posted on July 27, 2012 with 32 notes

haikumblr asked: My mom never told me where babies come from. It has to be from the butthole, right?

No, but one of my friends, when a woman tells him that she’s pregnant, says “eww gross aren’t you afraid to poop in front of everyone?”

Posted on July 26, 2012 with 3 notes

Beer Equality Project Update

Hello all, I just wanted to update you on my latest foray into slacktivism, the Beer Equality Project. In case you aren’t familiar, I’m asking my favorite craft breweries on Twitter if they support marriage equality. And some of you have deigned to participate as well, so I got answers from breweries that I’ve never even heard of and might not ever drink because, seriously, when am I ever going to be in Winnipeg?

Nobody has said that they don’t support marriage equality yet, but I have yet to receive responses from the following.

Let’s give them some time to get back before bugging them again. But now let’s focus on the good news! The following breweries have all said that they are on Team Equality:

https://twitter.com/StoudtsBrewery/status/226700401783734273
https://en.twitter.com/MetroBrewing/status/216888630927564800
https://twitter.com/HalfPintsBrewCo/status/226765215306506240
https://twitter.com/RogueAles/status/226705911371165696
https://twitter.com/sixpoint/status/226764458524024832
https://twitter.com/SpeakeasyBeer/status/226783569215885313
https://twitter.com/IntuitionAle/status/227224586343809025

So our Equality Hall of Fame includes Dogfish Head, Stoudt’s, Metropolitan, Half Pints, Rogue, Sixpoint, Speakeasy and Intuition Ale. Reward these upstanding companies with your patronage.

DRINK BEER NOT CHICKEN

Posted on July 23, 2012 with 6 notes

The Beer Equality Project

Like many of you, I was very disappointed when Chick-Fil-A came out strongly against gay marriage. I mean, it’s not like we expect the businesses that we patronize to be above board. After all, behind every great fortune is a great crime. But, c’mon, $2 million to anti-equality assholes? That doesn’t even help you sell fried chicken. Sadly, as a New Yorker, I can’t do anything to boycott Chick-Fil-A, as the chain’s only outlet in the city is somewhere on the NYU campus and I’d never want to go there anyway.

But there’s one thing that New Yorkers love, and is available in every bodega: craft beer. So last night, I asked Dogfish Head if they were down with marriage equality and this was their reply. Yay Dogfish Head! I will buy you at the bodega the next time I go there.

Anyway, that gave me the idea for the Beer Equality Project. I ask you, my dear followers and readers, to ask all the breweries that you care about what their stances on marriage equality are. Please e-mail me at robertbigwheel at gmail with any responses that you may get, and I’ll do my best to keep tabs of who stands for equality. It can act as a primer the next time you’re at the store trying to determine what beer to buy to buy. Together, we can drink awesome beer and stop eating cheap chicken sandwiches.

America!

Posted on July 20, 2012 with 30 notes

It runs in the family

philk:

barthel:

maryphillipssandy:

Brother: The UN should have a little cafe in their lobby called Coffee Anon.
Me: Are you at the UN??
Brother: No.

Could be right next door to Boutros Boutros-Deli.

Just gotta pop into the Duane Hammarskjöld real quick.

Pick up a sandwich at Au Ban Ki Moon

Posted on July 17, 2012 via A Lot of Consonants with 30 notes

Source: maryphillipssandy