Bobby Big Wheel

Top Chef Finale: The People's Champion

And we’re back.  And thank God.  I needed an excuse to turn away from the UConn game.  Of course Kentucky looks great; you’d have a spring in your step too if John Calipari had just paid you under the table.   Anyway, I’m ditching the chef nicknames.  These guys have earned the right to be called by their real names by a little-read writer.

Kevin has nothing but praise for the other finalists, which is more than we can say about this season’s in-house douche, Mike.  The challenge is a three-course meal, and they each have to use all of a box of ingredients in the first course, and the third course has to be a dessert.  Hosea must have left a bad taste in their mouths last season.  Not literally, of course.

All the former contestants come back to become sous-chefs.  Kevin gets Preeti and Ash, Bryan gets Jennifer and Ashley, Mike gets Eli and newly blonde (but still-illiterate) Jessi.  Last season’s sous chefs made a huge difference in the finale (Casey destroyed Carla and Blais put Hosea over the top) so this is big.  And hey, Eli’s mom let him travel to Napa!

Kevin put Preeti on potato peeling duty, and she can’t even do that right.  Google already recruits from the top of the class at Stanford; they should take a look at the Culinary Institute of America as well. 

No ad reviews this week; UConn has stormed back and they’re my commercial-time viewing material.  They opened the game down 12, but they should have actually been spotted twelve to start since, unlike UK, they’re not getting paid.

The finalists gameplan in the morning; Bryan seems like he’s in the best shape of all of them.  Mike doesn’t know what he’s going to do with the mystery box.  Kevin has no faith in his sous chefs.  But then the contestants’ mothers make a surprise appearance to give them a pick-me-up.  Which makes me really sad that Eli was not a finalist, because I’d love to see his Jewish mother take potshots at him.  “Does this mean you’re finally going to move out?”  “Your cousin Jared went on Jdate and now he’s moving in with a banker.” “Why are you cooking pork?  Your grandmother is spinning in her grave.”  And so on.

Then Tom assigns them a fourth surprise course.  Actually, it’s not that much of a surprise because all the contestants knew they’d get something additional.  But now each has to cook a childhood dish dedicated to his mother.  Probably because the producers really haven’t beaten then whole “Voltaggios are brothers” thing into the ground enough, and they really want us to be sick of them now that the season is almost over. 

Kevin’s mother was supportive of him even though he chose no college over MIT.  Wow, that’s awesome.  I chose UVA over Penn and my mother chided me because there were no Jewish girls at UVA and “you don’t know about anti-Semitism in the South.” 

Ash, who admitted he’s not nearly good enough to win, is kicking ass as Kevin’s sous chef, tackling the mystery box ingredients (rockfish, crab and mushrooms).  Meanwhile Preeti is boiling water and acting as lookout in case Colicchio comes.

Holy crap UConn’s up 6 after starting the game down 12-0.  And for an encore, Jim Calhoun will walk on the Hudson after the game.  I don’t care if UConn doesn’t score another point, getting the team to recover after that start is a tremendous coaching job.

Both the UConn game and Top Chef are on commercial so I have to say; “Single Ladies” is already a fucking annoying song, but now they’re having chipmunks sing it?  Between that and the GAP Christmas ads, my mute button has been getting a ton of work this December.

The Voltaggios Mom lives in Vegas, and she’s kinda hot for a 55-year-old, so I’m just gonna go ahead and assume she’s a former showgirl.  Nevertheless, Toby Young is back, so I’m really hoping that one of the mothers tears him a new one.

For their first courses, Kevin nails it but Bryan and Michael get dinged for either being underseasoned or undercooked.  Ms. Voltaggio reveals that Mike was a picky eater, like moi.  More on that in a bit.  But the moms are gone after the first course; palates must be passed along with the Y-chromosones.  Mike also nails the box, while Kevin and Bryan get dinged a bit.

Kevin chooses pork for his chef’s choice course, of course.  Bryan chooses venison and Mike does squab.  Bryan nails this one, but Kevin screws up the pork a bit and Mike chooses a bird that led to Stefan’s second place finish.

Kevin puts bacon in his dessert.  Hey, I love bacon as much as the next guy, but bacon has its place in breakfast, sandwiches, salads, pastas and vodka.  Steven Starr agrees with me; give us something sweet, pig-boy.  Mike’s cake is too dry and overcooked.  Bryan nails his dessert.  It’s anyone’s guess who will win heading into chef’s table.  Well, Kevin isn’t looking so hot, so maybe that’s just wishful thinking by yours truly.

We’re left with 15 minutes at judges table at the end.  As strong as this season has been, last year the contestants seemed to do a lot better at the final, with both Hosea and Stefan being near-flawless.  This year each finalist has something he can be dinged with. 

The judges are each given a final say, and Mike does make us laugh by saying he just hopes Bryan doesn’t become Top Chef.  Alright, now I won’t be too bummed if he wins.

Toby liked Bryan’s bland sardines; proof that British people will eat just about anything.   Kevin messed up the mushrooms, and it looked like overworked Ash was in charge of those.  Maybe if Preeti could do anything other than hold Kevin’s tongs while he scratched his ass, they would have turned out better.  Coming out of judges’ table, Kevin looks like he’s in the weakest position, and if I had to choose one Voltaggio who would win, it’d be Bryan.

At least Kevin still leads in the fan poll.  He’s been my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time.  He’s congenial, he’s intelligent, and I’d throw someone in front of a bus to eat his food.  But he’s not named Top Chef.  It was a bad day; happened to Stefan last year.  But he’s The Rock; he’s the people’s champion.

And Mike the douchebag wins.  He’s magnanimous in defeat, but he was still my least favorite of the top four.  I’m switching back to the UConn game before I get any more maudlin brothers crap.

Thus ends this season of Top Chef.  But that doesn’t mean my food writing is done with.  Since I’m moving back to New York, and I’ll have some disposable income, I’m going to try and review restaurants (and bars) between Top Chef seasons.  I’m a picky eater, so hopefully it’ll be a case of “if I like it, you’ll like it.”  As for the bars, I’m not a very picky drinker, but I am picky about my, uh, surroundings.  So, stay tuned tumblrverse.

Scene 5 years from now

Hank Steinbrenner: Ah, Mr. Big Wheel, so glad to meet you.  We’re so happy we gave your firm the Yankees account.

Bobby Big Wheel: What the hell did you trade Austin Jackson for?!?  He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBI’s last year, he’s got a rocket for an arm, you don’t know what the hell you’re doing!

Hank Steinbrenner: Well, Jackson was a good propsect, no question about it.  But my baseball people loved Curtis Granderson’s bat.  They kept saying “Curtis Granderson,” “Curtis Granderson.”

Brilliant idea needed!

lizlemon:

For a birthday bar that’s:

-South of 14th Street

-Fun

-Big (like, holds more than 100 people)

-Crowded on a Saturday night, but not packed

Winner gets an invite to Lizmas!  What say you?

(NB: the past three years have been at Naked Lunch, Mason Dixon, and The Delancey.  No repeats, please!)

If only there existed an iTunes Genius for bars.  “I see you like Naked Lunch, Mason Dixon and The Delancey.  May I suggest…”

Top Chef Week 13: Four Princes

And we’re back.  The break was only one week, but all the Thanksgiving eating sans Top Chef made it seem like a lot longer.  At least we were spared a contrived Top Chef Thanksgiving episode filmed in July.  You know, unlike last season.

Well, the top four chefs survived to the end, making the previous 12 weeks as pointless as the NHL regular season.  But what a ride it was.  We learned Redheaded Santa is the best chef in show history, in terms of quality and personality.  We learned Walk of Shame can survive a meltdown.  We learned Frere Mike can be just as douchey as his New Jersey counterpart.  And we learned Human Quaalude can put you to sleep faster than a towel filled with ether.

Walk of Shame looks less Walk of Shame-y up in Napa.  Maybe leaving Vegas made her classier.  The only thing that leaving Las Vegas made me was poorer.  And Redheaded Santa let his hair grow.  Go bald with dignity, man.  At least he points out that there’s a Facebook group dedicated to his beard.  And Frere Mike looks extra douchey with his gelled up hair.  It’s not quite a fauxhawk, but he’s established himself as the asshole of this year’s final four. 

And Padma’s got a baby bump and straightened hair.  I don’t want to spread rumors that the baby is mine, but I won’t stop you from doing that.  Guest judge Michael Chiarello makes his return to the show, after being the latest man to find out Dale is a twerp on Top Chef: Masters. 

The Quickfire is on a train, and Kevin is nervous about motion on the train.  He’s right to be.  I remember on our school trip in 7th grade, the train jostled me while walking back from the bathroom and I “accidentally” felt up Alyssa, the hottest girl in my class.  That was awesome.  Wait, what were we talking about?

The winner gets a Prius, and Walk of Shame still drives a 2000 Chevrolet Cavalier without a CD player.  I feel your pain, in high school I had a 1989 Chrysler Le Baron (yes, just like Jon Voight’s).  She says she still uses her high school mix tapes.  Yeah, she needs a new car; she doesn’t know that the Spin Doctors have broken up yet. 

The challenge also has to incorporate grapes, what with this being Napa Valley and all.  Chiarello thinks they all did well.  I would have tried to incorporate monkey meat, as an homage to Grape Ape, but Frere Mike wins the challenge.  He deserves the Prius since he’s the contestant most likely to sniff his own farts.

The Elimination Challenge is to cater an event for 150 people, using only local ingredients.  Michael Pollan just got a boner.  Kevin uses only local stuff, so he thinks it plays into his wheelhouse.  But he’s from Georgia; not sure if they’ve got chuckle in Northern California.

Redheaded Santa knows that Frere Mike has called him out, and he wants to show Frere Mike that flavor can beat style any ol’ day of the week.  It’s flavor versus style!  Fat versus douche! Longhair versus gelhair!  I hope you’re all on the side of good along with me.

Uh oh, Redheaded Santa is making a brisket.  That’s the worst cut of meat!  The pumpkin polenta sounds promising, but I’m nervous.  If you’re making up for a lack of flashy style, quality of meat would help.  Quaalude’s putting cranberry in his dish, so between that and the pumpkin polenta this episode is kind of Thanksgiving-y, but not overbearingly so. 

You can tell that the chefs are on edge because the censor is practically leaning on the bleep button.  And the show is letting people vote on which chef they’ll be saddest to see go.  In honor of this being the Vegas season, I’m betting Frere Mike comes in last.  Oh, and does anyone else think that the blonde Latina in the promos for Launch My Line looks super hot?

I’m proud to note that Gail still has bigger guns than pregnant Padma.  Quaalude’s dish needs more salt and pepper but otherwise seems great.  Frere Mike has some problems with his eggs.  Redheaded Santa fucking nails his vegetarian dish, but gets dinged for his crummy choice of protein.  He might as well have made rump roast.  Walk of Shame oversalted her vegetarian dish, but she nailed her duck.  Heading to judges’ table, they all seem to have done well, but Walk of Shame’s vegetarian dish seems to have elicited the most negative reaction.

Redheaded Santa is praised for his vegetarian dish’s simplicity, and Colicchio even takes a dig at Frere Mike for having criticized his co-cooktestant in the past.  Santa also parries the complaint about his meat’s toughness well.  Frere Mike screwed up Padma’s egg, so there’s hope on that front.  Heading out of chef’s table, it looks like any of the chefs other than Santa could go home, though I’d still bet on Walk of Shame going.

Sure enough, Frere Mike is in last place for the contestant people will miss most.  I won my imaginary bet! 

Surprisingly, Quaalude wins the challenge.  He looks as stunned as I do.  And Walk of Shame finally has to make her Walk of Shame off the show.  The judges seem ashamed they had to kick her off.  So in the final we’re going to have a chef on the side of good, a chef on the side of evil, and a chef that’s on downers.

Final SHOTY Prediction

My attempt to go Joe Lunardi on Deadspin’s Sports Human of the Year award backfired when Will and A.J. decided to alter its format.  As my hero Rowdy Roddy Piper once said, “just when they think they’ve got the answers, I change the questions!”  This year there will only be 8 nominees, announced alphabetically, unseeded.  So, here’s my crack at predicting them.

Erin Andrews

Plaxico Burress

Lenny Dykstra

Artie Lange

Brooke Hundley/Steve Phillips (there seems to be pro-Hundley sentiment out there, but I still think Phillips gets the nod)

Sean Salisbury (note, he might not win, but he’ll make the Deadspin Hall of Fame.  And the last sentence on his plaque will be “Sent from my iPhone.”)

Karen Sypher

Tiger Woods (note: he crashed his car the Friday after Thanksgiving, Burress shot himself the Saturday after Thanksgiving last year.  If Deadspin had used last year’s format, he might not have made the cut).

And I’m predicting Woods wins in a walk.  Remember that two years ago Isiah Thomas won because his reputation was bolstered by reports from the Saunders lawsuit as December wore on.  I’m guessing the Woods as a coonhound drumbeat is still going when SHOTY voting commences on December 14

Yay SHOTY!

Fisking the BCS Website

Well, I’ve discovered my new calling: fisking everything on the BCS blog.  The first entry is from the chancellor of the University of Nebraska.  Enjoy

WASHINGTON TIMES
By Harvey S. Perlman

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is the best thing that has happened to postseason college football since the invention of the bowl games themselves.

More than the relatively popular I-AA playoffs?

I know there are football fans and sports writers who criticize any arrangement short of some hypothetical playoff. Unfortunately, we must try to craft a system that reflects the restraints of the real world rather than the ideal world.

The country’s largest 120 football programs are the only teams, professional or amateur, constrained in this manner.

First, a system of play must recognize that the athletes who play football are also students. For the vast majority of them, their success in the classroom will have far more to do with their success as adult citizens than their performance on the football field. As presidents and chancellors, this reality must be our highest priority.

Which is why so many major in communications, family and consumer sciences, or sociology.

Second, not every school in Division I is equal in any field of endeavor, including football. Each university has a particular set of strengths on which it builds its reputation and on which it attracts students and faculty.

These strengths were created by conscious investments, hiring of great leaders, natural advantages, significant philanthropic donations, dumb luck, or a combination of these factors. Only in athletics is it argued that the benefits of these investments should be equitably shared with other institutions.

The rest of the time, we just pass the costs on to students via tuition hikes.  Hope you fuckers don’t live in California!

All students, like student athletes, can make individual choices among the strengths of the various institutions in which they could enroll, and these choices may enhance or diminish their future opportunities. This is a reality that cannot be ignored nor is it one that can be easily changed.

Very true.  And it has nothing to do with the NCAA implementing a football postseason.

Third, any system designed to determine a national champion in intercollegiate football can only come about through the agreement of those universities that consistently field highly ranked teams. A system that did not involve schools from the six automatic qualifying conferences and Notre Dame could not claim to be one that is likely to produce a national champion on a consistent basis. That is not true of the other conferences.

So, the problem is those guys are too greedy to implement a playoff system?

To secure the agreement of these essential conferences, the system must provide revenue in excess of the opportunities they could obtain on their own,

At least he admits greed motivates.  Though the ratings for a college football playoff game would be higher than a meaningless Orange Bowl watched only by Cincinnati and Georgia Tech fans.

must be consistent with their academic values,

It’s not hard to schedule a playoff system in the weeks after finals.  Ask your friends in I-AA how it’s done.

must take into account the effect on the fans who provide their schools with support,

Most of whom want a playoff system

must protect the bowl system for broad access by many institutions,

The UConn-Duke Continental Tire Bowl won’t mean shit regardless of how the championship is determined.

must preserve the excitement and relevance of the regular season,

Oregon had its at-large hopes dashed by a Week 1 loss. If a playoff system were in place, they would be missing the playoffs because they fell to Boise State.  I say the regular season stays relevant with a playoff system.

and must honor the long-standing relationships they have had with the bowls and the communities those bowls support.

A dubious claim

The BCS satisfies these requirements. We have yet to see an alternative arrangement that does the same.

I’m not an economist, but I fail to see how allowing host cities to rotate hosting playoff games along with bowls for those who don’t make the playoffs wouldn’t have the same impact.

Some individuals have argued that the BCS agreement is in restraint of trade and thus violates antitrust laws. I am not an antitrust expert. However, if the current agreement is unlawful, then any agreement runs a risk of being unlawful. The only safe option would be to return to the traditional bowl system.

Actually, the restraint on trade argument is that the BCS creates an oligarchy freezing out smaller competitors, in which case it might be forced to establish a 16-team playoff system to avoid running afoul the law.  Scrapping the system altogether would create a de facto return to a prior system representing a similar restraint on trade.  Then again, you’re not an expert.

We appreciate the ideal that a national champion should be crowned on the basis of performance on the field. But even a playoff would offer no guarantee that the two best teams would play for the national championship. There would remain arguments about which teams were selected for the playoffs and how they were seeded. The BCS turns the regular season into the “playoff” and produces an opportunity for a game between the two highest-ranked teams.

But the more teams that are invited, the more dubious the claims the left out team could win the championship

So far, this is the best arrangement we have found that provides significant access and revenue to all of Division 1 football and preserves the traditional bowls, respects the academic calendar, and celebrates the success and commitments of student athletes throughout the country.

You know how else you could celebrate their success?  Pay them.

At the beginning of the season, every bowl subdivision team starts out with an equal chance to become national champion. To be sure some schools are thought to have an advantage because of the schedules they play, their history of success, the size of their budgets and the support they receive from fans and donors.

For example, if one were to start at the beginning of time, you would not predict that the University of Nebraska would have enjoyed the success we have. We come from one of the smallest population states in the country and must recruit athletes nationwide.

Yes, your state decided to invest its tax dollars into building a top-flight football team instead of in academics.

We don’t have mountains or seashores or large cities or a moderate climate capable of attracting student athletes. And we labored long in the obscurity of losing seasons. But we sustained a loyal fan base, and we hired and retained gifted coaches who were skilled at recruiting student athletes and getting them to play at the height of their abilities.

Maybe if you invested more in academics, you wouldn’t have to worry about brain drain from your state.  Then again, that would be bad for the Huskers.

We built this success, as we have built our recent academic success by trying to work harder and be more creative than our competition. We believe these options remain open for all schools if their particular circumstances permit.

Tell that to UCLA students who have to pay twice as much for half as many classes

We do not believe that the BCS has made this process more difficult; on the contrary, by creating greater access and exposure for all schools than ever before and by providing them with more revenue than ever before, the BCS has created the opportunities for their success.

Ask TCU how much access they get.  Or Boise State.  Or Cincinnati.  Or Utah. Or…