Hey guys, not sure if I told you this, but I used to do stand-up.  Ultimately, I didn’t think much of it as a career path, but there was a point where I would’ve killed to be on the dais at a Comedy Central Roast.  Whenever I see a roast I make up my own jokes, but this is the first time I ever actually wrote them down.  Anyway, here’s what I could whip up in a few hours.  Oh, and you have to pretend I have awesome delivery like Jeff Ross and Lisa Lampanelli.

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Thank you, Seth MacFarlane, you’ve come a long way from playing the kid in Jerry Maguire.  And yeah, like the rest of you I’m sitting here staring at this dais wondering what the hell all of these people are doing here.  I think I figured it out though. 

Mike Tyson, you’re bloated, black and haven’t been functional since the 80s, like Charlie’s liver.  Quit laughing, Slash, I could’ve said half-black and that joke could’ve been about you. 

I wasn’t sure why Shatner was here until I realized that he and Charlie had so much in common.  He was T.J. Hooker, and Charlie likes to K.O. hookers.

Patrice, glad you can make it, even though I’m pretty sure you were only invited because Charlie wanted someone who could give him clean needles.  He’s gonna be bummed when he finds out you can’t get high on insulin.

Amy Schumer, you’re a woman that Charlie has never seen before, so I apologize for him thinking that you’re one of his daughters.  Of course, none of us have ever seen you before, so for all I know, you actually are.

Jeff Ross, glad to see you came dressed as your hero, Captain Crunch.  Look at you, you fatass.  Sheen’s got Tiger Blood in his veins, you’ve got Velveeta.  Same for you Lovitz.  I’d make a joke about a movie you’ve been in but nobody here can remember one.  Your IMDB page is a shrug.

Brooke Mueller I’m glad you brought Dog the Bounty Hunter.  You guys could be the before and after pictures for a night with Charlie Sheen.  Dog, do you hunt criminals on the sun?  Your skin looks like Bree Olson’s vagina.

But enough about the dais, we’re here for the man of the hour, Charlie Sheen.  I don’t think there’s been anything said about you that hasn’t already been said about Lindsay Lohan.  You’re the coked-up loser son of a fake president, as opposed to George W. Bush, the coked-up loser son of a real president.  Except he did a lot better than you in the courtroom  Your career started out with so much promise, but it’s been a slow descent to the bottom, much like Kate Walsh’s boobs.  I loved you in Platoon and Major League, and seeing you slum around on Two and a Half Men was tragic.  The last time a *rock star* sunk so far it was Brian Jones in his pool.  Anyway, sorry I’m making this so short, but by the terms of your divorce Denise Richards got half my jokes about you.  Well, she received them, I don’t thinks she’s smart enough to “get” anything more advanced than a See N Say.

So, here’s to you Charlie Sheen.  I think I speak for everyone when I say that I wish you were the actor from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off who married Sarah Jessica Parker.