And we’re back.  Thanks for responding so well to my last Top Chef recap, really makes me want to keep this going even though I had a few drinks after work last night.  Anyway, did you notice the opening credits are just a Texas montage for the first two episodes?  We need to get chefs posing again because, c’mon, Jeff winking was just too funny.

We start with Charo, Fieldston, Lesbian Fauxhawk 1 and Fieldston joking in the green room, wondering what will happen to them.  My guess?  A no holds barred fight to the death.  But that’s just me.

Hugh Acheson is the new guest judge.  He has a disconcerting unibrow (though really, when are unibrows not disconcerting?). So I’m calling him Chef Flacco.

As for the chefterns, Lindsay Autry would be really cute but she has a kind of baby-ish quality that Southern women sometimes have.  Like Cassie Powers in East Bound and Down.  Jonathan Baltazar is some private chef, but with that last name you should have to have a good restaurant.  He’s called Balthazar, even though a private chef probably doesn’t have the nerve to hang here.  Berenice works at “Senor Martinez.” That sounds like a college bar with $3 happy hour margaritas, so she’s Margs.

Also of note, Chaz is chef de cuisine at Fatty Crab Upper West Side.  The Upper West Side sucks a fat one, but Fatty Crab is fantastic.  When you go there, try the short ribs and the spicy chocolate dessert bars.  Chaz said he had a picture of Padma in his locker in middle school.  Has she been so famous for that long?  I was crushing on the Spice Girls back in middle school.  Ginger Spice, if you’re still single, you got my e-mail girl.

Chef Flacco is creepy as shit when he hovers around struggling chefletes.  He’s like the angel of death if the angel of death didn’t manscape.   Yes, I am assuming that the angel of death manscapes, what of it?

Anyway, we meet a few more chefbacks.  Paul has a food truck that was on Bourdain’s show.  Well du,h I’m pretty sure you could serve kibble on the street and a drunk and high Bourdain would stumble along and blow smoke up your ass.  He’d probably top it off with an HJ, so Paul is now Bourdain Handy.  The oxtail chef looks 12.  She’s even got precocious glasses and a red plastic wristwatch.  So she’s Alex Dunphy, because that’s who she looks like. Oh, and Kim “Calichio” is a contestant?  NEPOTISM.  Nepotism, I say!  That’s how I get free kids bikes you bitch.  I’m calling her Nepotista.  Finally, French guy says in France you have the choice of becoming a cook, a priest or joining the army.  I’m calling him French Foreign Legion, even though I’m pretty sure the French Foreign Legion only exists in Hanna Barbara cartoons.

So the twist on this is each chefmaniac has a different amount of time (20, 40 or 60 minutes) to do their cooking thang.  For me, that’s the difference between 20, 40 or 60 Hot Pockets.

The show itself has actually been pretty good about not saying “TEXAS-SIZEDAH!!!1!!one” every two minutes but the ads are pretty awful about that angle.  It’s not the size of the state, it’s how you use it, folks.  And you know Padma isn’t a size queen because she dated Salman Rushdie.

In the 20 minute group, Bourdain Handy gets a jacket,but  Nepotista was clearly given the wrong nickname because she gets the boot.  Teflon Tom lives up to his name.  The big dude from Texas (Big Tex) makes the bubble.

In the 40 minute group, Chaz gets the boot.  Oh well, y’all should still go to Fatty Crab.   Margs and Balthazar also have to leave and as Balthazar goes he gives the a camera a creepy stare, like a hockey player glaring at opposing fans after he gets kicked out of the game.  Chef Flacco puts French Foreign Legion on the bubble even though Teflon Tom wants to shitcan him. 

Cassie Powers, Alex Dunphy and Beverly are in the 60 minute group; Cassie Powers and Beverly make it, while Alex Dunphy gets the axe.  Cassie says getting the coat is like 3,000 pounds off her shoulders.  Kenny Powers would say it’s like getting her fat-ass son off her shoulders.

The final qualification challenge only had three make it through instead of five or six from the other two challenges.  It seems unfair, but maybe there were just worst chefs in the first two?  I need a Top Chef sabermetrician to tell me whether it was fair or not.

The jacketed contestants get to drink and relax, like the fraternity legacies at a rush party.  Meanwhile, those of us whose fathers were in the Jewish fraternity and don’t want to settle for that are sweating it in the green room.

Chris Berman is in an ad singing along to a song written after the 70s?  Clearly Toyota doesn’t watch him do highlights to Steve Miller Band lyrics.

There are six on the bubble with 2 spots: Charo, Fieldston, Tiger Son, Lesbian Fauxhawk 1, Big Tex and French Foreign Legion.  Typical for a desperation challenge like this, they get 45 minutes and anything in the kitchen.

Fieldston says that when she was 15 all she wanted to do was drink.  Maybe I should have called her Columbia Prep?  Anyway, she’s making something with figs and bacon wrapped shrimp.  YUSSS!!! You will never go wrong with bacon-wrapped shrimp.  Or bacon-wrapped anything.  Give her a jacket already.

Lesbian Fauxhawk 1 said her partner broke up with her over the phone a month after their commitment ceremony.  Hey, at least you did better than Kim Kardashian and her husband, Bigfoot.  Anyway, LF1’s doing something with watermelon.  Watermelon is like an embarrassing friend from college.  It’s only good when it’s on its own; you can’t mix it with others. 

Tiger Son is bleeding like a motherfucker.  He’s cooking as a medic attends to him.  He’s taking this like a champ, I’d probably be bitching the whole time. He does mixture of Asian and Southern food which I think work together (kind of like French & Vietnamese.  Look at the fish in that picture.  I MUST HAVE THAT FISH.).

As for the others, Charo’s got overcooked shrimp, which will look horrible compared to Fieldston’s kickass shrimp.  French Foreign Legion does scallops tartare.  WTF?  How do you tartare slimy-ass scallops?  They’re not even good in sushi.  Big Tex has some type of mussels with panna cotta.  Panna cotta is worse than watermelon; at least watermelon is good on its own and you can spit the seeds at your little sister.

Tiger Son and Fieldston make it through!  Hooray! I don’t have to type Lesbian Fauxhawk 1 any more!  The last two on the bubble were LF1 and Fieldston, but it was really obvious that Fieldston had the superior dish.  Teflon Tom’s biggest complaint was that she didn’t have “intention.”  Nobody on this show has ever lost for having bad intentions.  Look at how well Stefan, who was probably evil, did in the New York season.  It was clear Fieldston had the best dish and they should have put Lesbian Fauxhawk 1 up against Tiger Son for the last spot.

THIS SEASON ON TOP CHEF.  Shots of the Clock Tower to remind you of Charles Whitman!  Pee Wee Herman, who I hope makes them drink tequila!  My girlfriend (Charlize Theron)! And, I’m sure, many reminders of Texas’s size.

AND NOW A TWIST! Lesbian Fauxhawk 1 and Big Tex will compete to get back on.  Fuck it, I’ll find out who won next week.  I’ve gotta watch Penn State burn itself to the ground.