And we’re back!  I had a whole post written about the chili cookoff last week but nobody reads Tumblr on Thanksgiving.  So you’ll have to trust me, it contained much mirth.  And glee that White Lafayette got the axe because, seriously, fuck him and his stupid hair and his bromance (seriously, that word was invented to describe how he acted) with Periscope.

Padma tells the chefists, worn out from the up-all-night chili cookoff, that they’re headed to Dallas in the morning.  My guess is the first challenge is to make food that doesn’t have to be chewed because Jerry Jones’s last round of plastic surgery left him unable to move his jaw.

They hit the road in their Toyota Siennas (WHAT, DO YOU THINK TOP CHEF WOULDN’T MENTION THE BRAND OF CAR THEY’RE USING?).  Small talk ensues.  Tiger Son married a blonde Indiana girl, and is now my idol when it comes to trolling your parents via spouse choice.  Krypton confirms that he is on Team Rainbow, which makes him the most normal gay person on Bravo even though his name is Ty-lor and he has a weird mustache.  And Chris is somewhat effete and used to be fat, which means he’s White Luther Vandross.

The caravan (WAIT DON’T CALL IT THAT, THE DODGE CARAVAN IS A TOYOTA SIENNA COMPETITOR) gets stopped by a Texas State Troopers.  He’s a dick, but, Pennsylvania state troopers are bigger dicks, I once got a speeding ticket from one for going five miles over the limit.  Seriously, fuck Pennsylvania.  Anyway, the caravan (DON’T SAY THAT) has to pull over into a dirt patch and SURPRISE QUICKFIRE MOTHERFUCKERS.   The chefians have to cook using only some survival kits.  The kits seem along the lines of MREs, and most of the lot seems like a bunch of pogues, so my hopes aren’t high.  At least they have can openers.

OK, I’m legitimately excited for Young Adult.  Patton Oswalt has never steered me wrong.  And Charlize Theron would’ve made Knocked Up like a thousand times better. Also, she and I have the same birthday.  Did somebody say “pickup line”?

Anyway, most of the Quickfires seem gross, but Cassie Powers and Bourdain Handy seem to make pretty tasty ones.  Don’t make me like you, Bourdain Handy!  Cassie Powers wins immunity, ensuring an uneventful dish from her in the Elimination Challenge.

The Elimination Challenge is a progressive dinner.  In Dallas?  Those conservative bastards shot JFK! But apparently a “progressive dinner” means the diners eat each course at a different house but, whatever, Dallas isn’t progressive in the slightest.

Anyway, the chefs are put up in a sweet Dallas hotel.  It’s big, it’s opulent and it has a beer pong table.  Or dinner table I guess. Is 27 too old to be calling it a beer pong table?

First up: Appetizer House.  The wife is a “lifestyle and entertaining expert”  Read: she married a rich guy.  She doesn’t like bell peppers, cilantro, bad breath foods or food that gets stuck in your teeth.  They’re not adventurous and they want stuff that is easy to eat.  Yet, the fact that they’d let homosexuals into their house makes them Dallas progressives.

The Entree House hates cilantro as well.  The non-working housewife hates spicy food and beef, but the husband likes both.  Chuy calls them out for being morons, which makes him like him almost as much as I like his peanut salsa.

The Dessert House, features a housewife who’s taller than her husband and has already had work done.  Dude must be loaded.  The tiny husband says he wants “rich, bold flavors” and gummi bears.  In other words, he’s a wealthy @DadBoner.

During shopping & cooking time, Tiger Son won’t shut up about his sore back.  Stop being Asian Brett Favre, you drama queen!  Bourdain Handy lays a truth bomb when he says that if you want to win impress the lady because her husband will just go along with it.  I can’t agree more; married men know nothing if not how to pick their battles.  Also, nobody likes Beverly because she leaves her shit everywhere while cooking, and Nyesha calls her Sabotage.  Can’t argue with that nickname! 

Beastie Boys interlude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rRZdiu1UE

Judgy time!  Gail’s boobs are bigger than Padma’s now that Padma’s not nursing any more, so she’s my favorite judge again.  Whilst judging, one of the couples mentions that they had 1200 people at their wedding.  Holy crap, I don’t have half that many Facebook friends.  But now I want to go to a 1200-person wedding so I can gawk at the excess.  I’ll make Katie Bakes my date so she can write a 5,000-word column about it.

Of note, Chuy makes salmon with goat cheese.  Let’s break down what’s wrong with this picture:

• Salmon is the worst fish you can cook on this show.  Seriously, it’s old people food.
• Since when do people eat fish with dairy?  I mean, what is this, a filet o fish?
• And seriously, goat cheese with fish?  I could imagine like a runny French cheese, but crumbly stuff?  You are fucked, Chuy!

Dessert House is in full-on panic because chefs hate dessert, even though the desserts end up looking delectable.  The ultra-thin housewife (she’s a brunette, which means she has to be ultra-thin) says Harvard Westlake’s dessert is “worth every calorie.”  Read:  thin bitch is gonna purge that shit once the cameras leave.

Red Lobster advertises on Top Chef.  Because Top Chef is obviously their target demo.  Get your asses to Guy Fieri, numbnuts. Also, they seem to have primo cocaine at Tommy Hilfiger holiday parties.

Sarah, Harvard Westlake, Fieldston and Bourdain Handy had the best dishes.  Hooray for Harvard Westlake and Fieldston being at the top, y’all are doing your alma maters that I assume you went to proud!  I really wanted Harvard Westlake to win because she put a ton of components into her dessert and made them work, but Bourdain Handy wins for his appetizer.  Hey, they gave him points for adding prosciutto, and I can’t argue with that.

Periscope, Krypton, White Luther Vandross and Chuy are on the bottom.  Periscope acts like a haughty dipshit by saying his dish was too ambitious, but Chuy’s was epically awful.  I’m fine with either losing.  All four of the bottom chefiacs take flak from the judges, but Teflon Tom seems to agree with me and saves his worst for Chuy and Periscope.

Ultimately, Chuy is sent packing.  I liked the guy, but that dish was gross-sounding.  Hey man, at least your peanut salsa changed my life.  Happy trails, senor.  He compliments the competition and seems to take it in stride as he leaves.   It’s sad, but at least he learned not to combine gross dairy with gross fish.

Next week:  It’s a cookout at some ranch!  Hopefully they’ll have hot bitches who’ll purge the food after the show again too!