And we’re back!  One thing I misjudged was just how douchey (douché?) the hosts were in the last episode.  I think being around the 1% a lot has skewed my ability to hate them for being jerks.  Anyway, we start out this episode with 1st grade-esque gender-based taunting, as there are only 5 men left.  However, Periscope is one of them so it’s really 4 and a half. 

The chefs keep bragging about being “classically trained,” but isn’t that like a baseball player saying he played Little League?  Bourdain Handy goes into his “I’m from Texas, I should win this challenge” schtick, which is about as played out as nyan cat right now.  And it’s not like this is football, where you have tens of thousands of people cheering for you.  There’s no home field advantage here.

We start with a saucier quickfire challenge.  They draw knives with one Escoffier’s five main sauces on them and the chefbots have to make dishes based on one of the 5.  But they have to put a new spin on them because this is Top Chef not Guy Fieri, lest you forgot.  The chefiees call them “mother sauces,”  which is funny, because I made “mother sauce” with your mom last night.  BOOSH.

Heather complains about Sabotage cooking Asian.  Well, you don’t hear her complaining about you eating the last piece of KFC so why don’t you shut up?  I don’t like making fat jokes, but Heather’s so miserable that I have no problem poking fun at her.  And after that poking, she probably goes “hoo hoo” like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Fieldston, White Luther Vandross and Bourdain Handy do best in the challenge, and Fieldston wins!  The guest judge gives her a really awkward “woo!”  Like, he has the same expression as your dad when he tries to high five you.  That awkward.  Nyesha, Sabotage and Harvard Westlake are on the bottom, even though Nyesha bragged about her sauciertestant skills during the challenge.

The elimination challenge is a 4 course steak dinner for 200 people.  And steak has to be incorporated into two courses because this is for a bunch of cattlemen on a ranch like on Dallas, except I’m guessing these chefs do more cocaine than the cast of Dallas.  Anyway, Heather asks mentions looking up Dallas on a “Google machine.”  That’s it, I’m calling her Lady Manderly.  That’s a Game of Thrones inside joke for you guys.  Read those books already! 

Lady Manderly is taking the same cake recipe as she cooked at the Mexican Bat Mitzvah and using it in this round.  As they head to Whole Foods, Nyesha notes THE TOYOTA VENZA HAS A LOT OF SPACE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?  Too bad nobody who watches Bravo would be caught dead in a minivan.  Bravo is TV for people who don’t have families to worry about. 

While the chefelians are at Whole Foods, someone breaks a wine bottle in the store but nobody takes credit for it.  Geez, way to screw over Whole Foods.  I have no idea how Whole Foods will maket hat money back.  It’s not like Top Chef ever serves as an advertising platform for Whole Foods.

Anyway, as they finish prep before the night, Krypton gets a little cutty wutty and gets tended to by the medical staff.  They say he needs stitches so he walks to the emergency room.  For anyone who saw the previews, this is a tremendous letdown.  We thought there’d be a geyser of blood, goddammit!

Kathy Griffin has an all new comedy special.  Gee, I wonder how she’ll talk about being a slut and suck up to the gay mafia this time.  Also, Larry the Cable Guy and John Madden advertising during Top Chef?  Why don’t they have Tim Gunn and RuPaul advertise during NASCAR?

Krypton was up till 6 am at the hospital, but whatever chefs are always on crank anyway.  They enter the ranch as the show plays a public domain version of the Dallas theme.  Lady Manderly finished baking last night so she’s in charge of the front of the house.  She’s also picking on Sabotage, and Harvard Westlake says Lady Manderly is being a bully.  She also brags to Teflon Tom about her experience to curry favor with him.  I kind of like that someone’s finally taking a heel turn this season.

The Cattle Baron’s ball contains rich tacky people.  I mean, we’re talking Disco Stu-amounts of rhinestones in this crowd.  It’s a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society, though considering these are steak makers the American Heart Association might be a better choice. 

Anyway, the gazpacho at least has shrimp so it’s better than Lisa Simpson’s vegetarian version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdMDWsvuS9s).  Teflon Tom objects to its safeness, so it looks like it’ll be in the middle unless something’s really fucked up or everyone knocks it out of the park.

Anyway, they serve sirloin carpaccio for second course.  And it has mushroom bacon, but other than that it’s unremarkable.  Meanwhile, Cassie Powers is worried they aren’t getting the third course out fast enough, and it turns out to be a mess as the steaks are cooked unevenly and the gratin is raw.  Both Krypton and Whitney seem like they could be toast. 

Everyone loves the dessert.  The most rhinestoned person says it’s good so I guess they’ll win.  Meanwhile, Lady Manderly bitches out Sabotage in front of everyone. 

Lady Manderly, Periscope and Nyesha go to the top.  Of course, Nyesha used bone marrow so you know she’s gonna do well.  Bone marrow makes everything taste better.  I’d eat cardboard if it were slathered in bone marrow.  Also, Periscope perfectly cooked the sirloin and Lady Manderly’s dessert wasn’t overly sweet and light.  Lady Manderly wins, proving that being a bitch pays off.  She gets a new car even though she really needs a Rascal.

Predictably, Krypton and Whitney go to the bottom, joined by Tiger Son.  Chef Flacco is Whitney’s mentor, but a protege is never safe.  I mean, we all saw that episode of Seinfeld.  She might start dating Bania.  Even though the firing was haphazard, Krypton takes responsibility for his dish.  Whitney’s gratin was raw.  And Tiger Son’s salad was undercooked.  You don’t win friends with salad. 

Also, did you know that Krypton’s father has had TEN heart attacks, his mother is dying of silicon breast poisoning and he’s been in Butt magazine?  http://gothamist.com/2011/09/22/a_gay_model_named_ty-lor_boring_wan.php.  I want to share that before he gets eliminated.

Anyway, Teflon Tom says the eliminated chef made it easy on him to choose.  And it’s Whitney.  She wasted her prep time and ended up getting screwed, even though Krypton wasted steak.  She seems to have a good attitude on her way out. 

Up Next: Double Elimination!  Maybe that Last Chance Kitchen Crap finally comes into play.  And it looks like Lady Manderly continues to bitch people out.  Now I gotta sober up.