And we’re back!  Sorry I missed last week, guys; I was in the Dominican Republic.  And yes, I might strike you as a foodie, but I spent the entire time eating crummy all-inclusive resort buffet food.  If I was going to turn my brain off for a while, my palate would have to follow.  Heck, I only ate processed food to make sure I didn’t get food poisoning.  Me!  The same guy who always orders the mystery item at Asian restaurants.  I can risk throwing up all night when I have a job to ask out of the next day, but not during my precious vacation time.

Padma tells the chefonicmen that they’re going to Austin.  They erupt in cheers as they get to leave Dallas’s sweaty butthole.  J to the k Dallas, I know you got fine women and cheap beer.  But, c’mon, it’s Austin. 

Lady Manderly says it’s difficult to have a relationship because she’s so “career focused”  Yeah, that and you’re a bitch.  That’s like saying “oh, I’m single because I’m too career driven and flesh eating bacteria ate away my face”

The cheferines call White Luther Vandross “Malibu.”  I hereby offer my services to them as a nickname consultant.  $100,000 per year plus a point of equity.  Also, Bourdain Handy says he used to be a weed dealer.  I HEAR that a lot of weed dealers in New York are Asian so he would fit in IF THAT WERE TRUE I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT IS.

Padma says next quickfire deals with technology because we’re in Austin and everyone in Austin either works in tech or has a band.  It’s a Twitter challenge.  Apparently, you could have tweeted quickfire requests while they were filming.  I totally would have tweeted peanut butter over and over again because peanuts go with everything and I do not trust chefs who can’t use them.  Don’t give me that allergy shit, either.  PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.

The first requests is that the chefangels use bacon.  Then 15 minutes later they’re told that they have to use hash (should be easy for Boudrain Handy!).  Then they each get to assign a rival an ingredient that they have to use.  Cassie Powers and Tiger Son get stuck with sriracha and get mad.  Why?  Sriracha is the peanut of the sauce world  Goes with everything.  I have sriracha toothpaste.  Fine, fine, I brush my teeth with sriracha, don’t judge me.

Bourdain Handy wins the quickfire because he did bacon 2 ways and there’s no wrong way to do bacon.  Teflon Tom tells the crew that drinks at the hotel bar are on them.  BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS WANT ANOTHER HOOKUP.  Actually no, they’re there to meet Patti Labelle, who has her 70s bob going and still looking ultra-fine.  I’d do to her what Andy Reid has done to her beloved Eagles.  She sings that mocha latta yaya song that Christina Aguilera whored up 100 pounds ago.  Still, considering she’s from Philly, you wonder why they didn’t get George Strait instead.

The challenge is to cook like the person who taught you.  The person who talk me to cook was the Hot Pockets package, so I’m not sure how I’d handle this.  Something that would be cooked inside a reflective patch I guess.  However, Krypton’s inspiration was his Japanese nanny.  So maybe I could have used my Jamaican nanny growing up as an inspiration.  That would involve me screaming “‘Top Ya Noise” at the other chefernauts and making them eat broccoli.

Periscope does a miniature steak and potatoes.  Maybe he’s getting Padma’s good side for not forcing her to gain as much weight this season.  Emeril says Lady Manderly put together hotel food, which gives me horrible flashback to the sandpaper porkchops I was eating this past weekend.  White Luther Vandross overcooks his salmon and I wouldn’t mind him losing because he’d be the second chef to lose on salmon, so maybe nobody else will cook it ever again.  Not just on Top Chef, but anywhere.  Seriously, salmon ruined me on seafood till I discovered shrimp (I grew up in a kosher household, don’t judge me!)

Emeril needs better hairplugs.  Seriously, he looks like Clarence Thomas-era Joe Biden

The bottom three get sent in first: Lady Manderly, Fieldston and White Luther Vandross.  All the other chefessors are like “Send in the bottom three first? That’s KWAZY!!!” Lady Manderly complains she got dinged for using the pressure cooker (of course she blames Teflon Tom with her tone) and Tom is all like “Sabotage did it just fine.”  If you come at the king, you best not miss.

Sarah wins over Sabotage and Tiger Son, and she starts crying because she’s manic depressive.  So I’m calling her Lithium. One thing is for sure; this season has seen Asian chefs bring it hard.  Maybe they can be like Huynh some day and open scene-y, overrated restaurants in the Meatpacking District.  YOU’VE RUINED THE AREA, BRING BACK THE MANHOLE!

Well, it looks like we won’t have Lady Manderly to kick around any more.  Teflon Tom says she went home for overcooking the steak.  The camera cuts away real quickly so I assume he said “and for being a freak bitch.” 

Up next, barbecue!  It’s hot!  Lithium has to go to the hospital because it’s hot (haha no it’s a panic attack brought on because she’s off her meds).