Bobby Big Wheel

A Brief Note From Management

Tue, 07 May 2013 14:29:00 -0400

Two years ago I let you into my life a little bit and told you that I was joining my friend’s tech start-up. Well last Thursday we completed the sale of the company. I could stay on if I wanted but after two years at a start-up I’m drained. I’m going part-time while I try to find another legal job - one where I’m not the only lawyer.

I’ve been on vacation since the sale and while I wish I could tell you that I had some grand realization about my future I can’t. The sale gives me a nice monetary cushion while I find other work but it’s nothing to retire off of. My writing gigs will help float me too but don’t look for me to do it for a living any time soon.

I have a weird relationship with notoriety. I remember being horrified in high school when I found out that there were people who knew who I was while I didn’t know them. I like to control who knows me - it’s an odd thing but it’s a thing nonetheless.

But I did want to let you guys know about this because it’s a really big deal to me. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope that we can keep talking.

-Bobby

Holzerman Hungers: El Balconcito II: Philadelphia, PA

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 20:30:46 -0400

Holzerman Hungers: El Balconcito II: Philadelphia, PA:

th-eats-blog:

For some Peruvian flavor…

What I Ordered: Half pollo a la brasa (rotisserie chicken) and french fries

Over at Progressive Boink, Jon Bois used to do a weekly Lunch Judgment that has only now made appearances when he damn well feels like it. We’d all put our lunch submissions in the…

Everyone should follow my example; it ends in deliciousness

Quite happy with my Game of Thrones house sigil

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 17:15:10 -0400

Quite happy with my Game of Thrones house sigil

Short Thing On Extrajudicial Murders

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 20:55:00 -0500

A lot of people have had a lot of intelligent things to say about President Obama’s justification for allowing extrajudicial murders of U.S. citizens in the War on Terror.

My thoughts on judicial involvement in war are summed up in Robert Jackson’s dissent in Korematsu v. United States. He admitted that judges do a terrible job of judging military decisions during emergencies. But once such emergencies are over, a court can examine the constitutionality of the military’s ongoing actions.

Korematsu was decided in 1944. In 1945 Japan lost World War II, they signed a peace treaty with us, and hostilities ceased. As did the internment of Japanese citizens like Fred Korematsu (that’s right, his name was Fred, that’s how American he was).

But the United States got out of the business of fighting wars that end. We decided that we’d launch ones that lost decades and cost trillions. And the president never got Congress to declare war on terror like it did on Japan in 1941. And there’s nobody to sign a peace treaty with.

Welcome to the era of the unending military emergency. Until Americans are willing to end the War on Terror then they’re stuck with extrajudicial killings of citizens. In the current political and media climate, I don’t think that’s possible.

Briefly Noted: New York In December

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 15:53:00 -0500

New York is an inherently stupid place. You saw that during Hurricane Sandy, who the fuck puts all this stuff on an island so easily flooded? Everyone here works too much and pays too much and drinks too much. I won’t lie; I think about leaving a lot.

But last night I was in P.J. Clarke’s watching the Heisman ceremony and drinking a beer when a Christmas song came on the sound system. I forget which one. But it slowed everything down and made the moment seem timeless, like I could be doing the same thing fifty years ago. It’s odd how, if only for a few brief moments, the city makes sense once in a while.

Coping With Loss: Honest Advice For Any Republican Followers I Have Left

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 14:00:00 -0500

Yesterday I remarked to a friend that I was amazed I was still gaining followers headed up to a heated election. Today I realized that any Republican followers that I had yet to antagonize away were waiting until the day after the election to unfollow me. I can’t blame them. If Twitter had existed back in 2004 I would have unfollowed any Republicans in my feed. See, in 2004 I worked for one of the Kerry campaign’s vendors and put my heart and soul into it, only to see it dashed. So I know how it feels to be you right now. And while I come across as a sneering jerk online I am, in fact, a big old softie. I want to help you feel better. So here’s how you should cope with Mitt Romney’s loss:

1. Disengage from politics for a bit. Approach politics like you’d approach a girl that just dumped you. Ignore it and focus on your non-politics hobbies. After the 2004 election I quit that job and did my best to ignore what was happening on Capitol Hill for a while (at least you still have a Republican House, after 2004 I had nada). You’re well-advised to do the same; it’d just make you angrier/sadder.

2. Keep in touch with Democratic friends. This might surprise you, but in real life I have Republican friends. I just never talk politics with them. I suppose some light ribbing may be in order after last night, but you can probably spend time with your Democratic friends without them rubbing a loss in your face. And if they do then they’re probably not very good friends.

3. Stop saying America is doomed. It’s not. America is resilient as fuck. In 2004 I was convinced the country was going to hell. And hey, look at Bush’s second term. Pretty much everything that could go wrong did. Except we’re all still here, you can still watch football and drink beer on Sundays, you can still see pretty girls in sundresses when it’s spring, you can still get like 20 different types of peanut butter at the grocery store. The things that make America great are pretty tough to get rid of.

4. When you start following politics again, remember what it’s like to lose. I was amazed at how confident Republicans were and nervous Democrats were yesterday. They were like that because Republicans haven’t gotten their hopes up only to see them dashed in a really long time. Nobody really thought John McCain or Bob Dole would win. Even HW seemed pretty doomed by the end in 1992. That makes Gerry Ford the last candidate to let you down, nearly 30 years ago. Meanwhile there was a solid 2-hour period in 2004 that I was convinced I’d have a job in the Kerry White House, so I knew not to celebrate until the fat lady sung. Remember to temper your enthusiasm heading into the final weeks of 2016 with the knowledge that you still can lose.

NEW ENTRY:

5. Don’t say the American people are stupid. I remember looking at this after the 2004 election. Not everyone who votes against your candidate is dumb. Some are. But the people who usually decide elections (swing voters) simply don’t have a lot of time to think about politics. The campaigns have to be able to make a 30-second pitch to these busy people who have families and bills and crippling porn addictions to think about. Barack Obama ran a campaign that did a better job of reaching these busy people. They’re not dumb. They just tuned out your bullshit, just like they tuned out my bullshit in 2004.

And of course, you can submit questions (anonymously or otherwise) at the top of my Tumblr. I’m here to help

-Bobby

lemon.: I officially invite...

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 15:11:58 -0500

lemon.: I officially invite...:

rachelinbrooklyn:

organizingthesoup:

meredithbklyn:

ALL NYC TUMBLRS to the

ELECTION EXTRAVAGANZA 2008!

Coppersmith’s on 9th Avenue and 53rd Street.

Come enjoy every news channel you can think of on big screen TVs, 2 for 1 burgers, and have your choice of RED Stripe or BLUE…

Hey that’s me! Oh and in case you enjoyed my 2010 election coverage I have bad news. Or if you hated it I have good news. I made plans with someone tonight and (barring her flaking out) I won’t be on Twitter much. Proof that somehow, in the past two years, I’ve made myself attractive to the opposite sex.

Watching in real time from the situation room a US Embassy get bombed and DOING NOTHING about it makes Obama the biggest piece of shit in America. Get real. Thank god he is history. Landslide win for Romney.

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 10:57:00 -0500

This guy, everyone (his version of the Bengazi incident has no basis in fact, btw).

Mitt Romney Is A Piece Of Shit

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 11:17:42 -0500

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit.

I’ve said this a lot over the past year or so, but I really want everyone to know the exact reasons why he’s a piece of shit. Let’s take a look at his biography:

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he held down a gay classmate and cut his hair.

This was the first evidence we had that Mitt Romney is a piece of shit. We all do dumb stuff in high school and lord knows I’m not innocent of bullying someone who might have been gay. But Romney just blithely dismissed this as teenage shenanigans when it’s something that he actually should have felt bad about. First of all, it displays a total lack of empathy. Moreover, it shows that, if he were president, then anyone who is considered by him to be an “other” (black, Latino, gay, hippie, whatever) doesn’t have a seat at the table.

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit for acting like he had to go on a Mormon mission to France instead of enlist in the military during Vietnam.

What Mitt Romney did was above board; like a lot of college-educated young men he took deferments until he drew a low draft number. My dad did that too. But my dad never acted like he wished he could have been in Vietnam if fate hadn’t intervened. That’s how Romney acts. Really? He would have been on the front lines except he had to chill out in France to help his religion? Is that what we want in a president?

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he went to Bain after law school.

Going to Bain after law school doesn’t make you a piece of shit. Heck, nearly everyone I went to law school with went straight to the private sector; student loans don’t pay themselves away. But, again, don’t we want more out of our president? President Obama was editor-in-chief of the Harvard Law Review; he could have gotten any job he wanted. Instead he went to Chicago to help out poor people. He didn’t pay back his student loans until he got a book deal. The already wealthy Romney just sought to make more money. Shouldn’t we have a president that seeks to help others instead of himself?

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he never created a job at Bain.

For the last time, Mitt Romney didn’t work in venture capital. Venture capital isn’t as lucrative as private equity because you have a larger failure rate in venture capital and it’s only rarely offset by an early investment in a company like LinkedIn or Facebook. Private equity, what Mitt Romney did do, was all about using your investors’ money to load a company with debt, pay yourself fees to tell people who to fire, and making sure that the debt is serviced by anyone but your investors. Any jobs created by a PE firm are ancillary to the firm’s goals.

And this does not bode well for a Mitt Romney presidency. He’s used to answering to his investors and operating on razor margins. That means he’ll govern from his base with the goal of winning another bare majority in 4 years. In other words, George W. Bush 2.0.

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he didn’t pay his taxes.

Oh, he paid his taxes. Just not the taxes that you pay. The fact of the matter is that it’s impossible for the U.S. to grab every bit of income that is generated domestically as long as people are smart enough to handle transactions offshore. So it was perfectly legal for Mitt Romney to park his assets in the Caymans. But, again, do you want someone who does this to be your president? Shouldn’t we expect more of the commander-in-chief?

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he doesn’t believe in anything except Mitt Romney.

It’s amazing how he’s basically gotten a pass on going from pro-choice in an effort to beat Ted Kennedy to being pro-life with Paul “Forcible Rape” Ryan as his running mate. He wanted to stop global climate change before that came an albatross in a Republican primary. He implemented the exact same health care reform plan as the president and is now haranguing President Obama for passing it.

Mitt Romney only believes in one thing; that Mitt Romney should be president. And he will do whatever it takes to become president. Which means entering the dirty pool of birtherism and castigating his opponent as the other. And how will President Romney govern? Look back at the section on Bain. He answers to his investors. The base, the Koch brothers and Shelly Adelson. Not you.

Mitt Romney is a piece of shit.

I could go on and on. The point is this. Mitt Romney is a self-serving asshole who only looks after people like himself and doesn’t know the first thing about the public good. As we’ve seen in the past week, government can be a massive help to people in a time of need. Mitt Romney’s never had a time of need or displayed the empathy necessary to help anyone in their own time of need. He is a piece of shit. If you want a piece of shit president that’s your prerogative, but on Tuesday I’m voting for the guy who isn’t a piece of shit.

-Bobby

99 Life Hacks to make your life easier!

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 18:33:21 -0400

cuntymint:

shialabeowulf:

I gasped too many times.

I need to remember these.

I like this smug Fox News column on waiting until you're married to have sex

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 13:05:30 -0400

I like this smug Fox News column on waiting until you're married to have sex:

Now listen, everyone here can admit that the guy who wrote this is a smug, judgy prick. But I like how he’s ideologically consistent. Republicans support a pro-life, pro-abstinence education agenda, yet most of the Republicans my age that I know at least try to get laid. Many are successful. And even though the Republican platform is decidedly against anyone who wants to have non-procreative sex, having Republican friends who like to screw muddles up that message a bit.

So kudos to smug Fox News guy for not beating around the bush. Let’s all be clear: Republicans don’t want you to have sex until you get married. Remember that on Election Day.

My All-GIF College Football Preview Is The Only Thing You Need To See On The Internet Today

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 08:31:36 -0400

My All-GIF College Football Preview Is The Only Thing You Need To See On The Internet Today:

Go there now.

Why I'm Not Watching the Giants-Cowboys Game

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 11:30:03 -0400

I’m not watching the Giants-Cowboys game next week. Well, I’m going to try to catch the start and the end, but my friend scheduled a going away dinner for that night and I’m going to be there starting at 8:45. There’s a bar across the street from the restaurant where I can catch the game, but the restaurant itself doesn’t have any TVs and, if memory serves, crummy cell reception. So I’ll focus on spending my last few moments with this friend before he moves to LA.

—-

I’d never really had a friend go to the hospital with a life threatening condition until a few weeks ago. I heard about my grandparents’ deaths or imminent deaths over the phone, so I know that used to be the m.o. But now you hear about people going to the hospital over IM. When a friend IM’ed me “did you hear about N?” I assume he meant that he was getting engaged. No, he was in the hospital in critical condition.

I won’t pretend that N is my best friend or that I was his, but he is probably in that second tier of friends who you know well, have some in-jokes with and are invited to the bachelor party even if you’re not a groomsman. So I freaked out. It was a Monday at work and I had a big project due. I ran into my boss’s office and told him that I couldn’t think straight right now and had to go home after about 30 minutes. The boss told me to go.

The next several hours were spent on WebMD and spreading word to that third-tier of friends with whom I was closest. N and I were the same year in college and had lived in the same house together, but I was closer with the younger guys in the fraternity so I spent my time emailing and gchatting them to make sure they knew. N is in the hospital. It’s not good.

—-

Guy friends cycle in and out of your life. I spend a lot of time with my coworkers now, but who knows if we’ll still be doing the same in 5 or 10 years? But I have noticed that of all the friends I’ve made; high school, college, law school, work; the ones who’ve stuck have been sports fans. We always had that. Especially the football fans. They’re always guys I can go to the bar with, catch a game, and let the action take over for lulls in the conversation.

Making guy friends isn’t like picking up chicks in bars. ”Oh, that’s Bobby, met him at The Riv. Solid dude, loves the Giants and UVA. Probably an 8 out of 10.” But I do know a few guys that I met sideways through friends of friends who I’ve hung out with because they’re football fans too and, hey, I always am down to watch the game and grab some drinks.

—-

That first week, N stabilized. He’s young (a month younger than me) and in good shape so that helps. The process makes you realize just how helpless and worthless you can be sometimes. It’s the doctors’ show now. It’s not like visiting would help. His parents and girlfriend are already overwhelmed. They’re grateful for your support, but they don’t want to hear from you. He’s helpless, you’re helpless, and it’s not in your hands right now.

N is a big Eagles fan. Friendship can easily survive cheering for rival teams; I have more in common with a big Eagles fan than I do with someone who hates sports altogether. It’s like how a really religious Jew has more in common with a really religious Christian than they do with me, an agnostic who hasn’t set foot in a synagogue on his own volition in more than 5 years.

I wonder if the Eagles doing well will help his recovery. We know that it won’t be easy, and if the Eagles do well it might give him a boost. I’ve never had to come back from a hemorrhage, so I don’t know if it really can boost your spirits and help your recovery. All I know is that I’m N’s friend and a Giants fan. If we were watching those games together he’d expect me to make fun of their lack of Super Bowls and I’d expect him to bring up DeSean Jackson. I do nothing but wish him the best every day. But I don’t think he’d ever expect me to wish the Eagles the best. So screw it, fuck the Eagles.

—-

N is doing better now. For weeks it’s been “he’s made progress, but he’s not out of the woods.” It’s still scary to see someone as vigorous as he was (sometimes a little too vigorous for his own damn good) be forced to recuperate from this. But we’re all hopeful for his recovery.

The last time I saw N we were at an airport, headed back from a wedding. Him to Washington, me to New York, our flights a few hours apart. We sat around drinking watery beers, talking about how far we’d come from college, how we were both successful guys, how things were going well for us. Little did I know that he had a weak group of blood vessels in his brain that would burst two months later. Now I don’t know the next time I’ll get to see him, or what he’ll be like when I do.

So I’m missing the Giants game to say goodbye to another friend as he moves to LA. I’ll try to make it out there at some point, but his wife is pregnant and he’ll be busy with their new son (knock wood, of course) for a while. But I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t be sure of anything. Best to cherish the friends you hold dear now.

—-

It’s football season! I’m going to miss a lot of games though. Weddings, bachelor parties, trips abroad and other stuff take their toll. Most are to be with friends, some who I haven’t seen in a while. One weekend I’m seeing my sisters; I’m one of those lucky people whose siblings will be the last two people in his corner when he hits rock bottom. And I’ll miss a Giants game on account of my parents; I’m not big on religion but the Fifth Commandment does hold a lot of sway with me.

Football season is to be enjoyed with friends, not at the expense of them. So this season, remember that missing the games isn’t the worst thing in the world. And always try to catch them with someone you like. Oh, and Eagles suck.

You Are Wrong: A Message To My Republican Followers

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 14:53:26 -0400

I didn’t go on Twitter to pick political fights. I’ve always been an opinionated guy, but I mostly wanted to make sports jokes. But the past four years have changed, and I’ve seen just how depraved the Republican Party is. And no man embodies this depravity better than Mitt Romney. The more I find out about him, the more I think he’d be the worst president since Nixon. So I’ve become increasingly prone to lashing out at Romney-supporting idiots.

One of those Romney-supporting idiots (actually not a Romney supporter but a nice libertarian who doesn’t sound like he’s going to vote for anyone) actually e-mailed me and I much preferred talking to him over e-mail than on Twitter. Also, the vast majority of my followers don’t want to see me get into spats with jackasses in my timeline. They want the football jokes.

So I’d like to announce my retirement from political arguing on Twitter. It’s not what that medium is meant for. If you are a Republican who takes exception to what I said, please e-mail me at robertbigwheel at gmail dawt com and I will show you how wrong you are there. In fact, the next time one of you is like “Actually there are 200 million uninsured people read drudge report” or some bullshit thing like that I’ll probably tweet you a link to this post.

By the way, you are wrong. I am right.

In Defense of Slacktivism

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 15:19:32 -0400

Well, the backlash to the backlash is on. All us good-minded liberals and our Chick-Fil-A boycotts are being impugned by fellow travelers because there’s no way you can avoid every company that disagrees with your beliefs. And they’re right. My iPhone was built by Chinese slaves, my Rite-Aid probably gave a ton of money to Republican causes and my shoes? Don’t get me started on those shoes.

Today I passed a Fox News talking head filming something on the street and did nothing to disrupt the shoot, even though I think Roger Ailes has probably done more harm to America than any American other than possibly Karl Rove. Why? I was too damn busy. I had a project I had to turn in at 3. I’m writing this now but I’ll probably get comments on that project soon and be working on it all night. I work a lot. That might be surprising considering my prodigious Twitter output, but those are usually brainfarts that spill out every 20 seconds. Most of my days and nights are spent working and my weekends are spent enjoying the fact that I am not working. My pieces that run at SBNation are usually written between the hours of 9 pm and 1 am, and when I go into work the next day I’m usually pretty fried. Actually doing something other than my day job is pretty damn difficult.

So indulge me and the rest of the slacktivists when we do something like boycott a company that isn’t only homophobic, but doubles down on its homophobia. This is 21st Century America. I don’t get a 9-to-5. I don’t get a pension plan. My 401(k) is a joke. I’m going to have to work my ass off my entire life if I don’t want to end up a broke Wal-Mart greeter. So let me boycott some chicken-slinging assholes, even though it requires no thought and no energy. Because it’s the least I can do.

Guide to Ragging on the UK

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 10:54:32 -0400

Hey guys, this is the definitive guide to things I will be making fun of the UK for during the Olympics. Please familiarize yourself with these topics so you get these jokes.

Losing the Revolution

Getting bailed out by us in WWI and WWII

The royal family is inbred

Shitty food

Seriously, what’s Gordon Ramsey’s deal?

Losing their empire

Russell Brand

Their soccer team always shits the bed

Lane Pryce

The Profumo Affair

Princess Margaret banged a ton of dudes

They still have a monarchy

Margaret Thatcher ruined Wales

Mick Jagger’s solo albums

Mr. Bean

Driving on the wrong side of the road

Subpar dental care

Things that are British and awesome that I will not be making fun of

Joe Strummer

Monty Python

Michael Caine

That is all

My mom never told me where babies come from. It has to be from the butthole, right?

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 13:45:35 -0400

No, but one of my friends, when a woman tells him that she’s pregnant, says “eww gross aren’t you afraid to poop in front of everyone?”

Beer Equality Project Update

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 11:43:20 -0400

Hello all, I just wanted to update you on my latest foray into slacktivism, the Beer Equality Project. In case you aren’t familiar, I’m asking my favorite craft breweries on Twitter if they support marriage equality. And some of you have deigned to participate as well, so I got answers from breweries that I’ve never even heard of and might not ever drink because, seriously, when am I ever going to be in Winnipeg?

Nobody has said that they don’t support marriage equality yet, but I have yet to receive responses from the following.

Let’s give them some time to get back before bugging them again. But now let’s focus on the good news! The following breweries have all said that they are on Team Equality:

https://twitter.com/StoudtsBrewery/status/226700401783734273
https://en.twitter.com/MetroBrewing/status/216888630927564800
https://twitter.com/HalfPintsBrewCo/status/226765215306506240
https://twitter.com/RogueAles/status/226705911371165696
https://twitter.com/sixpoint/status/226764458524024832
https://twitter.com/SpeakeasyBeer/status/226783569215885313
https://twitter.com/IntuitionAle/status/227224586343809025

So our Equality Hall of Fame includes Dogfish Head, Stoudt’s, Metropolitan, Half Pints, Rogue, Sixpoint, Speakeasy and Intuition Ale. Reward these upstanding companies with your patronage.

DRINK BEER NOT CHICKEN

The Beer Equality Project

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 11:08:56 -0400

Like many of you, I was very disappointed when Chick-Fil-A came out strongly against gay marriage. I mean, it’s not like we expect the businesses that we patronize to be above board. After all, behind every great fortune is a great crime. But, c’mon, $2 million to anti-equality assholes? That doesn’t even help you sell fried chicken. Sadly, as a New Yorker, I can’t do anything to boycott Chick-Fil-A, as the chain’s only outlet in the city is somewhere on the NYU campus and I’d never want to go there anyway.

But there’s one thing that New Yorkers love, and is available in every bodega: craft beer. So last night, I asked Dogfish Head if they were down with marriage equality and this was their reply. Yay Dogfish Head! I will buy you at the bodega the next time I go there.

Anyway, that gave me the idea for the Beer Equality Project. I ask you, my dear followers and readers, to ask all the breweries that you care about what their stances on marriage equality are. Please e-mail me at robertbigwheel at gmail with any responses that you may get, and I’ll do my best to keep tabs of who stands for equality. It can act as a primer the next time you’re at the store trying to determine what beer to buy to buy. Together, we can drink awesome beer and stop eating cheap chicken sandwiches.

America!

It runs in the family

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 14:06:40 -0400

philk:

barthel:

maryphillipssandy:

Brother: The UN should have a little cafe in their lobby called Coffee Anon.
Me: Are you at the UN??
Brother: No.

Could be right next door to Boutros Boutros-Deli.

Just gotta pop into the Duane Hammarskjöld real quick.

Pick up a sandwich at Au Ban Ki Moon